Task & Purpose readers responded by sending us thousands of stories, each epic in its own right. So really, we had no choice but to select 10 of our favorite hilarious military punishments contributed by you, our awesome readers. Sit back, enjoy, and let the memories envelop you like a woobie.
And, as always: Add your funny military stories in the comments. Your favorite memory could be featured in the next installment.
(Stories have been edited for clarity.)
We had a guy pull out a “stress card.” Drill instructor took it, ripped it up, ate it, and then spit it back out in the garbage can. He turned to the guy and said, “That’s some lousy dip you have there, recruit!” – Mike Spriggs
On our deployment we had a huge fuck up, so some of the guys brought him to the motor pool and stuck him in an mrap turret with a manual crank. They told him to unscrew the turret by cranking it and spinning in a circle. He then asked how he’d know it was fully unscrewed, to which one of the guys said you’ll hear a metallic liquid click. After about a half hour of cranking a squad leader walked by and without missing a beat said “Hey dumbass, you’re going the wrong way.” He was out there for a while. – Keith Bechtler
We had a recruit in basic who was caught with a bag of peanuts. The drill sergeant made him stick his head in a locker, close the door on his neck and scream “I’m a squirrel!” for 30 minutes. – Richard Newman
A guy in my company got busted standing around with a broom when he was supposed to be field day-ing the squad bay. The CC had him hold the broom like a rifle, in a prone position, aimed under the bunks and down the length of the squad bay. He was to shoot all dust bunnies. For the next hour we heard “Bang, bang! I got you, you rascally rabbit! – James M. Nakamoto
We had a private come in from the Navy. He was such a screwup that he drew the drill sergeant’s eye immediately. One day he was doing pushups for doing something stupid, and failed at pushup number three. So instead of doing pushups, the drill sergeant made him go outside and make 100 snow angels. It was 20 degrees outside, at Fort Knox, in two feet of snow. – Michael Barrett
I remember a drill instructor stuffing a trainee in a locker, then putting quarters in to make him sing. – Chaz Aaron
I had a soldier who was consistently late to formation. I took the big, ugly, standard-issue battery-operated clock and a length of chain I painted gold, and made him a necklace. He was to wear it everywhere, and whenever I called the platoon to attention, they were no longer allowed to sound off with our motto. Instead, they had to sound off with “FLAVOR-FLAV!” – Chris Brown
Cops and Robbers.
During basic our Kill Hat asked if anyone was going to be military police. When one of the recruits stepped forward and proclaimed that as their MOS he then gave the kid a blue lens and red lens flashlight, and made him chase two other recruits around the squad bay making siren noises. The rest of us stood at attention on the line, trying not to laugh our asses off. – Adam Wright
I had a private bring me a piece of wood to use as a stake for his AP claymore command wire. He asked me if the one he retrieved would work, and I told him it would. He left it in my area. So, I took it back to him and instructed the private that his wood was now an inspectable item. I would call out “Private X! Show me your wood!” He would produce it and yell, “All six inches, Sergeant!” – John Turner
Had a recruit who was falling asleep on fire watch. The drill instructor from our sister platoon came over, and saw her dozing off. When the drill instructor saw her, she made the recruit crawl into the gear locker. The drill instructor then throws a pillow at the recruit, tells her to close it and go night night. And for the rest of her post the recruit had to yell, “Night, night everyone.” – Alysia Ferris