Ahh, the single life. There’s nothing better, am I right? You’re rolling in the dough because you don’t have to spend money on anyone else but yourself. You can catch all the ass this glorious world has to offer without worrying about commitment, which basically makes you invincible. Why would a guy ever want to settle down?    

Because those are pipe dreams, my friend. Single life is rarely actually like that. Truth is, married guys are the ones who have it made.

A recent report by the Institute of Family Studies found that married men are actually richer, happier, and healthier than single guys, believe it or not. The report compiles research from a number of recent studies to debunk the “ball and chain” myth surrounding marriage. Basically, as long as you don’t marry a total psycho — which, let’s face it, do tend to prey on young, naive boots — then marriage is probably a smart life decision. That doesn’t mean marry the first woman who ever smiles at you in uniform… or the one you met in a strip club three weeks ago. Don’t do that.

Here are three findings that show married guys are better off than single guys.

Married men make 10 to 40% more money than single men.

According to a number of studies conducted in the United States and other developed countries, married men earn more than singles and for multiple reasons. According to the report, “Married men typically work harder, smarter, and more successfully. They are less likely to be fired. And they make about $16,000 more than their single peers with otherwise similar backgrounds.” In my opinion, that is usually the result of a very smart woman keeping her husband in line, but the research doesn’t get into that.

Marriage also increases the earning power for men at a rate of 10 to 24%. In other words, you’re worth more when you’re married. As long as you don’t get divorced. That’s a whole different story that usually ends with you broke and bitter.  

Married men have better sex lives … yes, with their wives.

According to the General Social Survey, single dudes are having a lot less sex compared to men who are married or live with a partner. Apparently, only 37% of single men, aged 20-39, are getting laid twice weekly, compared to 52% of cohabiting men, and 42% of married men. And living in the barracks certainly isn’t helping your cause. No self-respecting lady wants to bone in that closet you call a “bedroom.”

… only 37% of single men, aged 20-39, are getting laid twice weekly, compared to 52% of cohabiting men, and 42% of married men.

Bonus news: the quality of sex between married couples is better than random, single sex. A majority of married men find sex “extremely physically pleasurable,” compared to a minority of men who are single.

Married guys are physically and emotionally healthier than unmarried dudes.

Finally, married men live longer — a decade longer, actually. According to the report, “the companionship, the support, and even the nagging that men get from their wives in marriage translate into better physical health.” Now I don’t know happens when you add children into the equation, but the research is clear: Find yourself a mate or you’re going to die alone and sooner than your married comrades.