Ever since leading man and human jawline Tom Cruise revealed the extremely droll Top Gun sequel title of Top Gun 2: Maverick, we’ve heard very little about the new Jerry Bruckheimer-powered followup to the 1986 cult classic. And this leaves us worried, especially since Cruise and “Iceman” Val Kilmer are both three decades older. Will Maverick and Iceman fly one of those exciting new F-35s? Will Rob Riggle finally fly with the Blue Angels?! Did someone lose that lovin’ feeling?!?

We have no ideas, but the Internet does. Here are a bunch of somewhat alarming and totally imagined storylines for Cruise’s bare-chested return to the sultry sands of Miramar’s pristine volleyball courts in the age of ISIS and drones.

And finally:

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