You Have To Read This Cringeworthy Memo Banning American Soldiers In Germany From Having Sex

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Photo Illustration by Paul Szoldra

For one lucky battalion of American soldiers stationed in Germany, Christmas came more than once this year.


On Dec. 26, the commander of the 2nd Battalion, 8th Cavalry Regiment, 1st Cavalry Division, 1st Armored Brigade Combat Team stationed at the Grafenwoehr Training Barracks rescinded a ban on "prohibited behaviors" among Army personnel detailed in an earlier Dec. 17 memo first published by our friends at U.S. Army W.T.F.! Moments and subsequently obtained by Task & Purpose.

Those prohibited behaviors are, well, exactly what you expected: "Sexual intercourse," defined in cringeworthy detail in the memo as "not limited to genital to genital sexual intercourse, oral to genital sexual intercourse, anal to genital sexual intercourse, and oral to anal sexual intercourse."

Those behaviors also include “acts that are done with the intent to sexually gratify any person” and "acts that are sexual in nature," including "kissing, rubbing, humping, grinding, cuddling, and lap dancing."

When reached for comment by Task & Purpose, officials could not clarify whether these behaviors included the OTPHJ.

It's unclear what, if any, specific incident precipitated this week-long prohibition on ass-eating, but soldiers from the battalion "have been living in close proximity while deployed to Europe for nine months," Army officials told Stars & Stripes.

“The intent of the policy letter was to ensure Soldiers remained professional and respectful of one another while they work and live in close, public quarters, like the barracks that house multiple Soldiers in an open bay,” Army spokeswoman Maj. Bonnie Conard told Stars & Stripes.

Given the preponderance of mistletoe in Grafenwoehr's host nation of Germany, such a prohibition seems extraneously punitive. Luckily, Army officials reached the same conclusion just over a week after issuing the initial guidance.

“The command decided that the policy is unnecessary, as good order and discipline may be enforced through existing administrative and UCMJ provisions,” Conard told Stars & Stripes. “As a result, the policy letter was rescinded 26 Dec. and soldiers were briefed on the importance of respecting others and maintaining good order and discipline."

It's a Christmas miracle, y'all.

SEE ALSO: When Booty Calls: A Vermont Air Guard Commander Allegedly Used An F-16 For A Romantic Getaway

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