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Warning: This post may contain jokes.
These past few months I’ve felt a little off, like an essential piece of me was missing, but it wasn’t until I turned on Twitter this morning that I realized what it was. Actor and professional rascal Sacha Baron Cohen — yes, the Borat guy — stole My Valor, right out from under my nose. I want it back. Or $5,000.
For nearly two decades, Cohen has been playing dress-up for money and laughs, often at the expense of American politicians, whom he lures into sham interviews under false pretenses. His latest victim: former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. And, by extension, me. And My Valor.
Last November, Palin accepted an invitation to appear on Cohen’s upcoming television series, Who Is America?, which Palin claimed in a recent Facebook post was pitched to her as a “legit opportunity” to “honor American vets.” Reader: It was not.
Scene from the 2009 film Bruno starring Sacha Baron CohenScreen grab via YouTube | TheBrunoMovie
“For my interview, my daughter and I were asked to travel across the country where Cohen (I presume) had heavily disguised himself as a disabled US Veteran, fake wheelchair and all,” Palin wrote on her Facebook page on July 10. “Out of respect for what I was led to believe would be a thoughtful discussion with someone who had served in uniform, I sat through a long ‘interview’ full of Hollywoodism’s [sic] disrespect and sarcasm — but finally had enough and literally, physically removed my mic and walked out, much to Cohen’s chagrin.”
So, yes, it was Palin who got the last laugh! But that doesn’t exonerate Cohen of the crime of stealing My Valor.
Palin said it best in her Facebook post: “Mock politicians and innocent public personalities all you want, if that lets you sleep at night, but HOW DARE YOU mock those who have fought and served our country.”
Now, I know what some of you readers are thinking: We’ve been at war for 17 years, Adam. There is plenty of valor to go around. That’s a very good point and, honestly, I’m almost willing to concede it to you. But I won’t. Because I earned My Valor fair and square.
Also, the truth is, I’ve gone soft since leaving the Army. My bones don’t hold up like they used to. Plus, the thought of going even just one day without a Starbucks iced venti caramel latte sends shivers down my spine. I’m sorry, but Green Beans simply doesn’t do it for me anymore. And, please, don’t get me started on those little coffee packets they put in the MREs. It’s basically dehydrated rat feces. Yuck. Iraq and Afghanistan could have Valor growing on trees for all I care. I got My Valor already. I’m not going back.
Cohen has a list of film and television credits as long as a Texas sunrise, and a hot wife to boot. I, on the other hand, eat Hot Pockets for breakfast. Not the fancy kind. Just ham and cheese or plain pepperoni. So imagine how I felt when I logged on in the home office — my bathroom — this morning for some light reading and discovered that Sacha, a British person, had used My Valor to flimflam Palin, the American mother of an American combat veteran, and grandmother to the child of a Medal of Honor recipient.
This Valor I will defend.
Photo illustration by Aaron Provost
Palin is now calling for Showtime to donate all the money Who Is America makes to a veterans charity. That’s a bit extreme. I’m a firm believer in justice, but the punishment must fit the crime. Also, we don’t know what “charity” all that money is actually going to go. What if it ended up in the pockets of some undeserving POG? Over my dead body!
Here’s a much better idea, Sacha: Just send me a check for $5,000. That’s a small price to pay for My Valor. I’m basically giving it away.
Palin, never one to pull a punch, got in one last jab before ending her Facebook tirade. “By the way, my daughter thinks you’re a piece of ****, Sacha,” the former vice-presidential candidate wrote. “Every honorable American Vet should feel the same.”
Well, Sacha, this American Vet remains on the fence. You can still do right by me and My Valor. So what’s it going to be? Will you a) return My Valor?; b) send me a check for $5,000?; or c) go to sleep tonight knowing that I think you’re a piece of “poop”?
The obvious choice is Option B. You’re not going to find a better deal than that, and, honestly, I really don’t even give a shit about My Valor anymore. Sure, it served me well when I first got out of the Army, back before my hair started falling out and my body still had muscles on it. Now, I’d practically have to drive to the bar in an M1 Abrams just to get a free shot of Jame-O and a thank-you-for-your-service.
So definitely go with Option B. I could really use the money. Pepperoni Hot Pockets are pickling my liver. Oh, and if for some reason you decided to include an autographed headshot with the check, I certainly wouldn’t hold it against you. I’m a huge fan, probably your biggest. In fact, just send over the headshot and we’ll call it even. Either way, My Valor is all yours. Really. Keep it. And let me know the next time you’re in New York. I’ll buy you a shot of Jame-O.
GENEVA/DUBAI (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump said he was prepared to take military action to stop Tehran from getting a nuclear bomb but left open whether he would back the use of force to protect Gulf oil supplies that Washington fears may be under threat by Iran.
Worries about a confrontation between Iran and the United States have mounted since attacks last week on two oil tankers near the strategic Strait of Hormuz shipping lane at the entrance to the Gulf. Washington blamed long-time foe Iran for the incidents.
Tehran denies responsibility but the attacks, and similar ones in May, have further soured relations that have plummeted since Trump pulled the United States out of a landmark international nuclear deal with Iran in May 2018.
Trump has restored and extended U.S. economic sanctions on Iran. That has forced countries around the world to boycott Iranian oil or face sanctions of their own.
But in an interview with Time magazine, Trump, striking a different tone from some Republican lawmakers who have urged a military approach to Iran, said last week's tanker attacks in the Gulf of Oman had only a "very minor" impact so far.
Asked if he would consider military action to prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons or to ensure the free flow of oil through the Gulf, Trump said: "I would certainly go over nuclear weapons and I would keep the other a question mark."
Minnesota Democratic Party staffer under fire for calling USS Minneapolis-Saint Paul a 'murder boat'
Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz said Tuesday he is appalled by a state DFL Party staff member's tweet referring to the recently-launched USS Minneapolis-Saint Paul as a "murder boat."
"Certainly, the disrespect shown is beyond the pale," said Walz, who served in the Army National Guard.
William Davis, who has been the DFL Party's research director and deputy communications director, made the controversial comment in response to a tweet about the launch of a new Navy combat ship in Wisconsin: "But actually, I think it's gross they're using the name of our fine cities for a murder boat," Davis wrote on Twitter over the weekend.
'We are there to deter aggression' — Pompeo addressed CENTCOM on Iran mere moments before Shanahan announced his departure
TAMPA — Minutes before the Acting Secretary of Defense withdrew Tuesday from his confirmation process, U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo spoke at MacDill Air Force Base about the need to coordinate "diplomatic and defense efforts'' to address rising tensions with Iran.
Pompeo, who arrived in Tampa on Monday, met with Marine Gen. Kenneth McKenzie Jr. and Army Gen. Richard Clarke, commanders of U.S. Central Command and U.S. Special Operations Command respectively, to align the Government's efforts in the Middle East, according to Central Command.
NAVAL BASE SAN DIEGO — The trial of Navy SEAL Chief Eddie Gallagher officially kicked off on Tuesday with the completion of jury selection, opening statements, and witness testimony indicating that drinking alcohol on the front lines of Mosul, Iraq in 2017 seemed to be a common occurrence for members of SEAL Team 7 Alpha Platoon.
Government prosecutors characterized Gallagher as a knife-wielding murderer who not only killed a wounded ISIS fighter but shot indiscriminately at innocent civilians, while the defense argued that those allegations were falsehoods spread by Gallagher's angry subordinates, with attorney Tim Parlatore telling the jury that "this trial is not about murder. It's about mutiny."
President Donald Trump announced on Tuesday that Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan will "not to go forward with his confirmation process."
Trump said that Army Secretary Mark Esper will now serve as acting defense secretary.