Civilians Have Just Discovered The Benefits Of Masturbating At Work

Health & Fitness
Photo by Russell Midori

“Whoever is jacking off in the guard towers needs to fucking stop, now!” my platoon sergeant yelled. He was standing at the entrance of our tent, rifle in hand. I had never seen him so angry.


A few months into our deployment to Afghanistan and masturbation had become an epidemic within our platoon. Guys weren’t just doing it on guard duty, they were doing it in clear view of the Afghan soldiers, who, for obvious reasons, were not happy about it. The next guy caught jacking off in the guard towers, our platoon sergeant said, would be severely punished. We never stopped.

We couldn’t stop. Because masturbating on the clock is just, well, part of the job when you’re a soldier, and I assume the same applies to the other branches of the armed forces, as well.

Now, civilians seem to be finally catching on. According to a recent article by Yahoo News, entitled “Masturbation breaks at work could be the next big thing,” masturbation may soon be as common in the workplace as, say, grabbing lunch.

Disgusting? Yes. Unprofessional? Absolutely. But, according to some psychologists, taking on-the-clock masturbation breaks (similar to smoke breaks, but without the yellow teeth and risk of lung cancer) not only relieves stress, but increases productivity — which may help explain why the American military is the greatest fighting force on Earth.

“I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling,” Welsh psychologist and life coach Dr. Cliff Arnall told British newspaper Metro. “Certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”  

A masturbation policy may not be necessary. Apparently, many civilians have already discovered the psychological and professional benefits of jacking on the job. A recent survey by GuyFi, a so-called “masturbation pop-up booth,” found that 40% of workers in New York masturbate at work. New York, it should be noted, has one of the most vibrant economies in the entire world. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe not.

Of course, if you got caught masturbating at work, you’d probably lose your job. And there are a few other potential problems to take into consideration. Arnall, for one, recommends not fantasizing about colleagues while “doing it.” The goal is to relieve stress and increase productivity, and developing feelings for a coworker wouldn’t help in either regard. So make sure to have your phone handy.

Oh, you’re reading this on your phone right now? Well, see you later!

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