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This is Matt.

UNITED STATES - APRIL 1: Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-Fla., walks down the House steps at the Capitol after the last votes of the week on Friday, April 1, 2022. (Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)
(Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Matt is a big important Congress man. Sometimes he attends hearings. But Matt doesn’t like to listen.

On Tuesday, Congress held a budget hearing for the military. Yay military! But Matt wasn’t happy.

Matt is really mad about “wokeness” in the military. Being woke is bad because Matt likes naps.

But it’s okay. Matt knows that wokeness is happening in the military and he knows just who to talk to about it… Lloyd!

UNITED STATES - APRIL 5: Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin testifies during the House Armed Services Committee hearing titled Fiscal Year 2023 Defense Budget Request, in Rayburn Building on Tuesday, April 5, 2022. Gen. Mark A. Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, also testified. (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)
(Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Lloyd is the military’s boss. He lives in a funny-shaped building called the Pentagon.

This picture taken December 26, 2011 shows the Pentagon building in Washington, DC. (Photo by AFP via Getty Images)
(AFP via Getty Images)

Matt tries to tell Lloyd that wokeness is hurting the military, but Lloyd doesn’t believe him. This makes Matt mad. Matt doesn’t want to be Lloyd’s friend anymore. Sad.

Matt Gaetz, (R-Fla.), listen to Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin and Gen. Mark A. Milley, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, testify during the House Armed Services Committee hearing titled Fiscal Year 2023 Defense Budget Request, in Rayburn Building on Tuesday, April 5, 2022. (Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)
(Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Matt thinks the military is teaching “socialism” at the National Defense University. Socialism is bad because China likes it.

Chinese Revolution propaganda poster, depicting Mao Zedong raising one hand to wave, with crowds holding up "little Red Books" and red flags and sun rays in the background, courtesy of Potter and Potter Auctions, September 30, 2021. (Photo by Potter and Potter Auctions/Gado/Getty Images)
(Potter and Potter Auctions/Gado/Getty Images)

Matt really doesn’t like China because they have more hypersonic missiles than America, and Matt really likes hypersonic missiles.

Humor photo
(DAPRA)

Hypersonic missiles are good for freedom! Socialism is bad for freedom because it teaches that no one should own anything except the government. And Matt knows that the government is bad. Matt knows this because he’s in Congress! 

The United States Congress
(United States Congress/Getty)

Matt thinks the military is going soft because it is embracing socialism and teaching Critical Race Theory. Soft is bad. Matt wants the military to be hard. It’s good to be hard. Russian recruiting commercials make Matt’s friend Ted hard.

Matt is worried that soldiers are becoming woke and spending too much time doing “mandatory pronoun training.” See, look at these soldiers. They’re woke when they should be asleep!

Humor photo
(Spc. Steven Hitchcock/U.S. Army)

Look at the woke plane! The moon’s out, silly! You should be in bed.

An A-10C Thunderbolt II prepares to land following a training mission Jan. 11, 2014. The entire A-10 fleet has been modified for improved precision engagement and now carries the A-10C designation. The A-10 is assigned to the 188th Fighter Wing’s 184th Fighter Squadron, Arkansas Air National Guard. (Courtesy photo/Retired Capt. Brad Kidder)
(Capt. Brad Kidder/U.S. Air Force)

Look at the tank. Wide awake at night!

Humor photo
(U.S. Army)

But nobody seems to want to listen to Matt talk about wokeness.

They just want to talk about other problems in the military like: the ever-climbing suicide rate, toxic leadership, the total failure of all efforts to curb sexual harassment and sexual assault, vermin-infested base housing, the Navy’s Little Crappy Ships, aviation mishaps, Nazis and other extremists in the ranks, institutional racism, the treatment of wounded service members and their care providers, the military’s pervasive culture of eating disorders, an ‘unsustainable’ operational tempo, domestic abuse, contaminated water at base housing, “structurally flawed” Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention efforts, unresolved problems revealed by Spc. Vanessa Guillén’s death, and so many other things.

But that’s ok! Matt can always try again at the next hearing! Maybe people will listen to him then…

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