This is Matt.

(Bill Clark/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Matt is a big important Congress man. Sometimes he attends hearings. But Matt doesn’t like to listen.

On Tuesday, Congress held a budget hearing for the military. Yay military! But Matt wasn’t happy.

Matt is really mad about “wokeness” in the military. Being woke is bad because Matt likes naps.

But it’s okay. Matt knows that wokeness is happening in the military and he knows just who to talk to about it… Lloyd!

(Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Lloyd is the military’s boss. He lives in a funny-shaped building called the Pentagon.

(AFP via Getty Images)

Matt tries to tell Lloyd that wokeness is hurting the military, but Lloyd doesn’t believe him. This makes Matt mad. Matt doesn’t want to be Lloyd’s friend anymore. Sad.

(Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images)

Matt thinks the military is teaching “socialism” at the National Defense University. Socialism is bad because China likes it.

(Potter and Potter Auctions/Gado/Getty Images)

Matt really doesn’t like China because they have more hypersonic missiles than America, and Matt really likes hypersonic missiles.


Hypersonic missiles are good for freedom! Socialism is bad for freedom because it teaches that no one should own anything except the government. And Matt knows that the government is bad. Matt knows this because he’s in Congress! 

(United States Congress/Getty)

Matt thinks the military is going soft because it is embracing socialism and teaching Critical Race Theory. Soft is bad. Matt wants the military to be hard. It’s good to be hard. Russian recruiting commercials make Matt’s friend Ted hard.

Matt is worried that soldiers are becoming woke and spending too much time doing “mandatory pronoun training.” See, look at these soldiers. They’re woke when they should be asleep!

(Spc. Steven Hitchcock/U.S. Army)

Look at the woke plane! The moon’s out, silly! You should be in bed.

(Capt. Brad Kidder/U.S. Air Force)

Look at the tank. Wide awake at night!

(U.S. Army)

But nobody seems to want to listen to Matt talk about wokeness.

They just want to talk about other problems in the military like: the ever-climbing suicide rate, toxic leadership, the total failure of all efforts to curb sexual harassment and sexual assault, vermin-infested base housing, the Navy’s Little Crappy Ships, aviation mishaps, Nazis and other extremists in the ranks, institutional racism, the treatment of wounded service members and their care providers, the military’s pervasive culture of eating disorders, an ‘unsustainable’ operational tempo, domestic abuse, contaminated water at base housing, “structurally flawed” Sexual Harassment/Assault Response and Prevention efforts, unresolved problems revealed by Spc. Vanessa Guillén’s death, and so many other things.

But that’s ok! Matt can always try again at the next hearing! Maybe people will listen to him then…

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