27 of your favorite fictional firearms, ranked

Humor

There's a scene from Demolition Man that's always stuck with me. Upon fleeing his incarceration in futuristic Los Angeles, the batshit crazy Simon Phoenix (played by Wesley Snipes) goes hunting for weapons at a nearby museum, stocking up on machine guns and pistols when inspiration strikes. "Wait a minute, this is the future," Phoenix smirks. "Where are all the phaser guns?"

Sadly, the world's militaries have yet to field the futuristic firearms we've always dreamed of, but at least movies and television have attempted to make those dreams a reality. Below, an egregiously non-scientific ranking of fictional futuristic firearms based on capabilities, lethality, and real-world practicality.


27. Finger guns

Nothing says "I'm definitely unarmed" like a pair of finger guns.

Pros: Unregulated

Cons: Non-lethal​

26. The Annihilator 2000 (Beverly Hills Cop III)

"America's Premiere Survival Home and Travel Total Security Unit" comes with a CD player, cell phone, and microwave, for some reason.

Pros: Flashy

Cons: Useless

25. The Orgazmorator (Orgazmo)

In 1997, the creators of South Park imagined one of the most foul non-lethal weapons ever — and yes, it's as gross as it sounds.

Pros: Impractical

Cons: Hilarious

24. The Army's Next Generation Squad Weapon

A concept drawing for the Next Generation Squad Weapon

(U.S. Army photo)

The Army isn't on the hunt for any old rifle for the Next Generation Squad Weapon intended to replace the M4 carbine and the M249 squad automatic weapon. No, the Army wants the "iPhone of lethality" — if the program ever gets around to producing a prototype.

Pros: Potentially real

Cons: "iPhone of lethality"

23. Westinghouse M-27 Phased Plasma Pulse Rifle (Terminator)

If it's good enough for Skynet forces in a dystopian future, it's good enough for us — except, according to Terminator die-hards, it's apparently too heavy for non-machine warfighters to carry.

Pros: Machine-like efficiency, 40-watt range.

Cons: Impossible to use

22. The BlasTech E-11 blaster rifle (Star Wars)

Giphy

Lightweight, reliable, and versatile, the E-11 is the perfect standard-issue rifle for Imperial Stormtroopers, optimal for a variety of combat scenarios despite their relative inability to hit a goddamn thing.

Pros: Accelerated cooldown system boosts reliability

Cons: Dismal accuracy

21. The Noisy Cricket (Men In Black)

Giphy

Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, the Noisy Cricket packs a mean punch. And apparently it fires "a small orb of energy?" Sure, whatever.

Pros: Ridiculous stopping power

Cons: Insane recoil

20. The Golden Gun (James Bond)

Francisco Scaramanga may not be the craftiest criminal mastermind James Bond ever faced off against, but he certainly had some style.

Pros: Instant kill

Cons: Ridiculously low rate of fire

12. The Human Torch's arms (Marvel Comics)

Technically fire arms, given the original Human Torch's status as an android

Pros: Fire arms!

Cons: Fire arms

18. The Sex Machine Crotch Pistol (From Dusk Till Dawn)

The world's most Freudian dual-cylinder revolver, brandished by Sex Machine (Tom Savini) when a biker at a roadhouse comes at him with a switchblade.

Pros: Concealed carry

Cons: The jokes write themselves

17. Smith & Wesson Looooong Barrel (Batman)

The Joker rocks a Smith & Wesson Model 15-3 with a telescoping barrel, according to the Internet Movie Firearms Database.

Pros: Chambered in .38 special

Cons: Unwieldy

16. Reggie Bannister's Quad Barrel Shotgun (Phantasm)

Reggie Bannister's quad-barrel shotgun is really just two Rossi Squires on a custom mount. Still gets the job done, though.

Pros: Double the shotgun fun

Cons: The recoil must be a bitch

15. The phaser family of sidearms (Star Trek)

The phaser family of weapons, fielded to Starfleet personnel in the Star Trek franchise, encompasses both pistol and rifle configurations. Sure, directed energy beams tend to fall outside the scope of "firearms," but they're too ubiquitous and iconic to leave out.

Pros: Lightweight and efficient for a directed energy weapon.

Cons: Does nobody ever sweep their beam in the Star Trek universe or what?

14. Mouse's shotguns (The Matrix)

Those are electricManville automatic shotguns with 25-shell cylinders and a fire rate of 900 rounds per minute. Too bad Mouse only gets off a few rounds before he gets perforated.

Pros: Stopping power

Cons: Unwieldy as all hell

13. The Laptop Gun (Perfect Dark)

This Carrington Institute submachine gun offers major backup with a fire rate of 1000 rounds per minute when deployed in sentry mode. Even better, is folds up into a bootable PC when you're dealing with the TSA.

Pros: Versatile and vicious

Cons: Shoulda been a Macbook

12. The 'Magnetic Accelerator' gun (Demolition Man)

Fun fact: The "Magnetic Accelerator" 1X.31A particle weapon pilfered from a museum armory exhibit in 2032 by insane convict Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes) in Demolition Man was built on the the H&K G11 that was one of four submissions tested in the late '80s by U.S. officials as part of the Advanced Combat Rifle (ACR).

Pros: Packs a wallop

Cons: Requires charging time

11. Hadron Enforcer (Guardians Of The Galaxy)

Rocket Racoon said it was designed to "blow up moons," the monster gun appears to fire a lil' baby nuke of sorts despite being named after the world's largest particle accelerator.

Pro: Can blow up moons

Cons: Clearly incapable of blowing up moons

10. The BFG (Doom)

They call it a "Big Fucking Gun" for a reason.

Pros: Total annihilation

Cons: Limited ammo

9, The Lawgiver (Judge Dredd)

Finally, the fictional voice-activated machine pistol that self-destructs in the wrong wielder's hands

Pros: Voice and DNA-based security

Cons: Limited ammo

8. Mark 2 Lancer Assault Rifle (Gears Of War)

The standard-issue assault rifle of the Locust War engineered to carry more ammo and fire with less recoil.

Pros: CHAINSAW BAYONET

Cons: Jams easily. Also, USA Today might put it into a graphic.

7. The Bolter (Warhammer 40K)

It is very, very difficult to make an argument against .75 caliber rocket propelled, armor piercing, explosive rounds — especially when each Bolter is genetically coded so only Space Marines can use them. That's one way to deal with the illegal arms market, I guess.

Pros: Built in ammo counter

Cons: Extremely heavy without powered armor

6. The M56 Smart Gun with articulated 'third arm' (Aliens)

While bulkier than the standard M41A pulse rifle, the Smart Gun with its articulated third arm provides enough support to keep users mobile and deadly

Pros: A deeply badass exoskeleton that can fire 10mm high-explosive rounds

Cons: Ineffective against acidic alien blood

5. The Auto 9 (RoboCop)

This Beretta 93R comes chambered in 9x19mm Parabellum, according to fans, with a variety of specialty ammo options. It also looks damn good spinning around your finger while you contemplate your strange cyborg existence.

Pros: 50-round mag in a pistol!

Cons: Holsters inside of your thigh

4. Zorg's ZF-1 (The Fifth Element)

Finally, a slick, ergonomic all-in-one firearm that packs the joys of flamethrowers and rocket launchers into a single weapon.

Pros: Net launcher!

Cons: That little red button on the bottom of the gun

3. The Plasmacaster Classic (Predator)

The Predator's shoulder-mounted energy turret, technically known as a Plasmacaster, is a long-range energy projector weapon with automatic targeting capabilities. Attached to an articulated third arm, it is capable handling a batch of xenomorphs with no serious issues, which makes it automatically superior to most of the other firearms on this list.

Pros: Powerful and precise.

Cons. Only available through rite of passage, apparently.

2. The DL-44 heavy blaster pistol (Star Wars)

Name a more powerful, more customizable, and more iconic sidearm. I'll wait.

Pros: The go-to of Han Solo, who to be clear, definitely shot first.

Cons: Based on the gross German C96 "Broomhandle" Mauser pistol

1. The Morita series of rifles (Starship Troopers)

The Morita series of rifles may not be as powerful as the other firearms on this list, but they are certainly the most realistic, sort of! Built around the Ruger AC-556 rifle with a custom Muzzelite MZ14 Bullpup stock and an underslung Ithaca 37 shotgun, this honestly looks like the sort of thing you'd actually grab from your bedside at the first sound of trouble.

Pros: Realistic as hell

Cons: Not real at all.

SEE ALSO: The Best Melee Weapons In US Military History, Rankedhe Best Melee Weapons In US Military History, Ranked

(Courtesy of Jackie Melendrez)

Editor's Note: The following story highlights a veteran at Iron Mountain. Committed to including talented members of the military community in its workplace, Iron Mountain is a client of Hirepurpose, a Task & Purpose sister company. Learn more here.

Jackie Melendrez couldn't be prouder of her husband, her sons, and the fact that she works for the trucking company Iron Mountain. This regional router has been a Mountaineer since 2017, and says the support she receives as a military spouse and mother is unparalleled.

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