Here Are The Funniest Military Punishments You Shared With Us


We recently published a great account of funny military punishments compiled by Redditors. In the comments section, we asked you to share your funniest military stories from your time in the service.

All I can say is ... Holy Hell, you guys are funny. I’ve never had so much fun reading internet comments before. These were too good not to share.

See if we used yours, and if we didn’t, I’d love to hear your funniest story from your military service.

Related: 5 offenders who received creative punishments for stolen valor.

Responses have been edited for style and clarity.

The pimp walking with the limp.

We had a dude in basic training named Spikuza.  This guy was DUMB.  He drooled and his nose was always running, so he had snot on his face. He had a really square head and stuttered like I have never heard before. Friggin day TWO of basic training, this dude shows up to formation with his boots on the wrong feet!!  The CO was astounded that he hadn't noticed his error.  From that point on he was called 'Skooz' by the Drill Sergeant and whenever they yelled "SKOOOOOOOOOZZZZ!!!!" he had to say "I'm a pimp, I walk with a limp, I wear my shoes on the wrong feet." The way he stuttered, snorted and drooled his way through that sentence made it hilarious for the entire 9 weeks we were there.

When you gotta go, you gotta go.

I had a private get out of his bunk in the middle of the night and pee all over his battle buddy while sleepwalking. Needless to say it was hilarious.

“The Port-a-John talked back...”

I had to apologize to a Port-a-John for being rude to a female civilian in Afghanistan. The Port-a-John talked back...

“I’m not stupid, you’re stupid!”

We had a guy who was not too bright. He screwed something up when we were at the range, so my drill instructor made him face the mirror. The drill instructor then told him to yell things at the mirror and point, "You're stupid!” “I'm not stupid, You're stupid" "NO!  I'M NOT STUPID, YOU'RE STUPID!"  Each time, it escalated. I still believe that the kid at some point really was arguing with himself.

R&B; singing.

Army basic training in 2004. There was a private who got caught singing in the chow line. Our drill sergeant then made him nod his head and say "Slow motion for me, slow motion for me" from the old Juvenile track and snap his fingers. He was then referred to as "R&B;" by all the drill sergeants. I wouldn't be in a position that I could see him, and I'd hear a drill sergeant yell "R&B;! Hit it for me!" and he'd start singing and bobbing his head and snapping.

Saluting squirrels.

When I was at Naval Air Station Pensacola in Florida in 2003, we had to stand watch on the veranda at the Naval Air Crew Candidate School. Across from us was the Officer Candidate School, these guys get messed up by their drill instructors on a daily basis. One day while in formation their drill instructor was at one end screaming at an OCS candidate and he noticed one of the candidates in the back was watching a couple of squirrels running around on the lawn. After a few expletives and a knife hand pointing at the future leader of the Navy, the OCS Candidate was tasked to salute every squirell he saw until he graduated.

“Bye, bye. Have a nice flight!”

In Air Force basic training we were marching out to physical training, and one individual was constantly getting caught for staring at the planes flying over the physical training area, on their normal flight path. Our training instructor got fed up with constantly telling him to look forward and not to look at the planes, so for the rest of that day he had to stand on the edge of the physical training area and for every plane that flew overhead, he had to wave goodbye and yell, "Bye, bye. Have a safe flight!"

You’d better grab a fruit.

In basic, we had to get a piece of fruit with every meal, and eat it first. One day one of the privates was caught not grabbing his fruit. When the drill sergeant caught him, he made him stand there for the rest of chow (about 45 mins) screaming the whole time in the front leaning rest position, "Don't forget to grab a fruit, it’s both nutritious and delicious."

Mr. Toilet got soiled.

I was in Air Force basic. We had one toilet that everyone used and the others were kept pristine. One guy couldn't hold it and used one of the forbidden ones. For the rest of the day, he had to apologize, saying, "I'm sorry Mr. Toilet, I'll never soil you again." It was pretty hard not to laugh.

Stupid hat.

Air Force Basic Training -- apparently, one of the Trainees walked out without his cover, and proceeded to get lit up. His punishment was that for about an hour, he had to walk around kicking his hat back and forth, yelling "I HATE YOU, HAT ... IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT... WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Known for acting on impulse, President Donald Trump has adopted an uncharacteristically go-slow approach to whether to hold Iran responsible for attacks on Saudi oil facilities, showing little enthusiasm for confrontation as he seeks re-election next year.

After state-owned Saudi Aramco's plants were struck on Saturday, Trump didn't wait long to fire off a tweet that the United States was "locked and loaded" to respond, and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo blamed Iran.

But four days later, Trump has no timetable for action. Instead, he wants to wait and see the results of investigations into what happened and is sending Pompeo to consult counterparts in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates this week.

Read More Show Less

That sound you're hearing is Army senior leaders exhaling a sigh of relief, because the Army has surpassed its recruiting goal for the year.

After failing to meet recruiting goals in 2018, the Army put the pedal to the metal and "did some soul searching," said Acting Army Secretary Ryan McCarthy, to ensure that they'd meet their 2019 goal. It must have paid off — the service announced on Tuesday that more than 68,000 recruits have signed on as active-duty soldiers, and more soldiers have stuck around than they expected.

Read More Show Less

Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein transformed into the Cigarette Smoking Man from "The X-Files" on Tuesday when explaining why UFO enthusiasts should avoid storming the mythical Area 51 installation in Nevada.

"All joking aside, we're taking it very seriously," Goldfein told reporters during the Air Force Association's annual Air, Space, and Cyber Conference. "Our nation has secrets, and those secrets deserve to be protected. The people deserve to have our nation's secrets protected."

Read More Show Less
Paul Szoldra/Task & Purpose

SAN DIEGO — A San Diego-based Navy SEAL acquitted of murder in a closely watched war crimes trial this summer has filed a lawsuit against two of his former attorneys and a military legal defense nonprofit, according to a complaint filed in federal court in Texas on Friday.

Read More Show Less

NATIONAL HARBOR, Maryland — The Air Force is reviewing whether some airmen's valor awards deserve to be upgraded to the Medal of Honor, Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein said on Tuesday.

Goldfein revealed that several airmen are being considered for the nation's highest military award during a press conference at the Air Force Association's annual Air, Space, and Cyber Conference. He declined to say exactly who could receive the Medal of Honor, pending the outcome of the review process.

Read More Show Less