Ka-Bar recently unveiled a commemorative knife just for the U.S. Space Force, and they’ve been taking it in the shorts ever since.
I’m hearing a lot of shit-talking –– including some from my fellow Task & Purpose contributor Matt Sampson –– and I’m not going to let it slide.
First of all, some of you brainiacs want to throw around things like steel welding together on contact in space, or something. Just one problem with that: aliens aren’t made of steel. Think it through.
Second, allow me to blow your mind with some true facts about space. No air means no resistance. If something gets set in motion in space, it goes forever. That means that my motivated Ka-Bar and I have an effective casualty radius of infinity miles in space. Come at me. Better yet, there’s no gravity up there. That means I can carry as many knives as my man Elon can fit into a spaceship, and chuck them Rambo-style to my heart’s content. It’s like a video game cheat code.
“But Scott, you’ll tire yourself out throwing all those knives,” you say.
Wrong again. In fourth grade, my class did a “space week” during science and we learned that astronauts have a little snack holder and a straw in their space helmets so they can eat outside the space shuttle. I will put a protein bar and a Rip-It in mine and not only have more energy, I will get even more jacked the more knives I throw.
Lest you think I don’t know what I’m talking about, allow me to remind you of a little documentary film about the time extraterrestrial mining saved the planet. Or maybe you’ve forgotten about Britain’s declassified counterterrorism mission on the moon.
The Space Force Ka-Bar may not be the knife you wanted, but it’s the knife we need, damn it.
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