5 Pairs Of Underwear That Will Save Your Ass Every Time
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I brought a lot of important lessons to the civilian world when I left the U.S. Army, but there's one very important lesson that I actually carried over from the civilian world when I enlisted: the importance of the right pair of undies.
I went to Busch Gardens in Tampa, Florida when I was 12 years old and spent the day riding the hell out of some roller coasters. About halfway through the day, I thought it would be a good idea to go on a water ride and get wet; I was wearing board shorts, so I was good to go, right? Hell no. If you've never gone to an amusement park, there's usually a lot of walking involved. By mid-afternoon, my chubby middle school ass had to waddle around the park like a cartoon bull rider because it hurt so bad to take normal steps.
I have never forgotten how miserable that experience was — and when I was in the field, rucking, or deployed, I made my underwear decisions carefully instead of going 'commando.”
I used to go with
Under Armour Boxer Briefs but now I go with Adidas Climalite Boxer Briefs. Both are good, but the Adidas are a bit shorter. They don't ride up in uniform or dress pants, they keep the boys cool in the desert and snug in Minnesota winters. They wick moisture, are light for packing, no chafey-chafe (Side note: bodyglide is your friend for long ass movements — or use a deodorant stick for a field expedient method). But more importantly: they make my ass look great!
I asked some vets what their go-to undies were in the field environment. Here's what we're working with so far.
Hanes FreshIQ Boxer Briefs
“They don't bunch, they don't ride, and they don't pull your pubes out.”
– Aaron P., Forward Observer, U.S. Army
ExOfficio Give-N-Go Boxer Briefs or Duluth Trading Company Buck Naked Underwear
“These are hands down the most comfortable underwear I have ever worn. Sure they can get expensive when not on sale, but I never notice they are there, and they feel like an angel is reaching their hand down and cradling my balls all day with skin softer than a baby's bottom after a good powdering.
A quick rinse and they dry in minutes, not hours, and can be easily washed on the go. They are antimicrobial, so I don't smell them after a hard day's work. 11/10 would place balls in again.”
– Alex R., Civil Affairs Sergeant, U.S. Army
The ol' United States Marine Corps Classic
“There's a sense of freedom one inherits when you silk up. The ability to, at any time, drop trou and perform a myriad of activities and be properly dressed. Swimming – done; running – done; drinking – done; sleeping – done; shooting – done; hot date – done. An image of confidence. A relaxed set to keep the package loose.”
– CT D., Former Marine, Company Commander, U.S. Army
And without leaving our female counterparts out of the mix…
Victoria's Secret Panties
“They put a little bit of female back into being a soldier. Being able to maintain an aspect of womanhood was everything.”
– Jackie G., Commo Specialist, U.S. Army
It sounds like spending a little more money on the front-end can save a lot of ass pain on the back-end — literally. But what about you? What are your go-to set of underoos and why?