The Task & Purpose guide to gearing up for the most aggressively American Christmas ever
It's the most wonderful time of the year. Dress accordingly.
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The world is shrinking––sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a way that forces you to sift through everyone else’s bizarre holiday rituals to find the right gift for the freedom-loving American on your Christmas shopping list.
Let’s start with the stepdad we kicked out of the house in 1776. The more I learn about figgy pudding, the less I trust our British counterparts. It’s worse than the great proper bacon dispute of 2012 that almost fractured RC Southwest right down the middle. Spoiler alert: it’s bird suet, not a dessert. The Swedes celebrate Christmas by constructing — any guesses? — a straw goat that stands exactly 42.6 feet high. I don’t get it, but since we celebrate Easter with an egg-delivering rabbit, I can’t be too critical. Lest you think confusing Christmas traditions only exist in Europe, the Japanese decided to go straight for the winner’s circle of Christmas spirit by swarming Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don’t know what to tell you. Chalk it up to killer marketing.
So, while the rest of the world prepares to spout off nonsense like “happy Christmas” instead of “merry Christmas,” we know you’re getting ready to celebrate in a uniquely American (read: correct) way. Here are a few gift ideas that are worth putting your eggnog down for.
If your idea of a Christmas movie is a small child dominating a pair of clumsy burglars with a series of elaborate Rube Goldbergs, you’re my kind of person.
Spread the cheer with this tasteful homage to the cinematic triumph that is Home Alone. It’s warm, it’s classy, and it’s a great way to narrow down your guest list by making sure your friends and family get the reference. I’m going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, yellow, no-good keister over to AAF Nation to buy one.
Is this handsome blazer fragile? It must be Italian.
I can’t think of any suit I’d rather wear than this one in the lead-up to Christmas. Leave it to the folks at Shinesty to create the perfect formalwear for people who love ‘A Christmas Story.’ The best part––and I can hardly contain my excitement––is that there’s a dress to match. Ladies and gentlemen, grab yours before it’s too late. I triple-dog-dare you.
What do you get for the man who has everything (or wants nothing)? How about a shirt depicting Santa firing presents out of a tank’s main gun? Maybe a tatted-up snowman in full battle rattle is more appropriate.
Make shopping easy with a quick trip to Grunt Style to load up on gifts for the disgruntled bastard in your life.
Grunt Style has the women on your shopping list covered with gifts that provide a delightful mix of holiday cheer and dark humor. Help them stay toasty with a sweater vest decorated with grenades or go casual with a Die Hard-themed shirt.
There are plenty of gifts for the ladies in your life on this list, but this is a one-stop-shop to snag clothing for everywhere from the gym to the yacht club.
One time a girl saw my friend in his dress blues and asked if that’s what he wears “to do battle.” I remember thinking that it would be kind of badass if it were. Oh to live in the days when military uniforms popped like outfits at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show.
I doubt the pentagon will ever stray from its obsession with earth tones, but you can have your own plate carrier that’s radically American thanks to Shellback Tactical. Body armor? Check. Magazines? Check. Enough red, white, and blue to promote the labor day sell-a-thon at a used car dealership? You’re damn right.
You know, making beer runs is a lot more hazardous than people realize. There are so many opportunities to get thrown off course by house guests, chores, and work emails. That’s why it’s safer to keep a fighting load of cold ones on your person at all times.
This beer vest has room for a 12-pack right on your chest. That’s 144 ounces of delicious lager, ale, stout, or terrible veteran-owned IPA.
How many deer you can kill when you go hunting? Maybe one, if you’re really lucky. How many beers can you kill in the same amount of time? The limit does not exist, my friends. On top of that, you can crush a case of cans in the comfort of your own home while watching a giant frog steal crackers from the Cheez-It Bowl trophy.
Better yet, beer season is 12 months long. Observe the tradition with this hoodie from Grunt Style. It’s complete with Realtree Edge camouflage (naturally) and the baggy fit does a great job of camouflaging the beer gut you may or may not be growing. Bottoms up!
We recently offered a few recommendations on the best concealed-carry holsters and somehow left out the option to tape a pistol to your back method. Fortunately, Grunt Style is here to pick up our slack and commemorate one of the greatest Christmas battles of all time.
We won’t beat you over the head with the cliche argument that Die Hard is a Christmas movie (but it is). We’ll just subtly recommend this tasteful shirt to brighten your holiday spirits. This is America, after all, and few things feel as festive as taking your shirt off and capping a German terrorist.
I get it, not everyone is enthusiastic about getting into the holiday spirit. Some of us feel more like the Grinch than one of Santa’s helpers. I bet even Saint Nick himself gets tired of people’s entitled gift-grabbing.
If materialistic consumerism has you down, take a little joy in Grunt Style’s Sleigher shirt. I know nothing cheers me up quite like the Idea of Santa buzzing all the bad boys and girls and straight-up operating with an M2.
Holidays can be a drag. They can also be really awesome. Sometimes the difference is a matter of having the right spirit––and by spirit we mean something from the liquor store.
Pour yourself a hearty glass of none-of-your-damn-business with this 24-ounce party cup from Grunt Style. It’s green, which is both tactical and festive. Stainless steel is easy to clean and hard to damage when you get sloppy and drop it. And the leakproof lid will prevent all your holiday cheer from spilling and staining the carpet. Ho-ho-hold my cookies, it’s time for a refill.
How do you make the most American sunglasses even more aggressively patriotic? There are two options. You can either make a weirdly-specific tribute to scenes that show Tom Cruise wearing aviators or you can slap old glory right on the lenses themselves.
For a tiny fraction of what you’d spend on a pair of Ray-bans, you can snag what have to be the most patriotic sunglasses we’ve ever seen. Not only will you enjoy the eye protection, we’re pretty sure the UCMJ requires everyone you walk past to stand at attention.
If patriotic shades aren’t enough for you, ditch the belt and trust your waistline to a pair of star-spangled suspenders. The patriotic vibe is undeniable and they leave more room for a second helping of Christmas dinner than a belt would.
Suspenders are a tragically underrated clothing item. As someone who took forever to give them a try, I can’t emphasize enough how much you’re missing out on by strapping your pants on like some kind of beast of burden. Suspenders are just better than belts. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
It’s a 96-count of Moon Pies, people. What do you want from me? Just order it and eat them. I’m pretty sure this is one serving.
Too many men are held down by oppressive and archaic fashion standards and it breaks my heart. Why must we be ashamed of our upper legs? I say sky’s out thighs out. Buck the puritan beauty standards and let the world bask in the glory of those diesel quads.
If this swimsuit doesn’t have everyone at the beach chanting “USA” and cheering you on like an Olympic gold medalist, you’re at the wrong beach. It’s currently December, which means you have at least six months to change your home of record to the squat rack at your nearest gym and make the Stairmaster your domestic partner. Get those legs ready for swimsuit season, fellas, because this swimsuit needs you to be at your best.