In addition to round-the-clock drinking, barbecuing, and restaurant-hopping in search of free and cheap eats, holiday weekends also mean last-minute safety briefs. A tradition all its own, a safety brief is a three- to five-minute preemptive ass-chewing, where an exhausted-looking platoon commander or sergeant begs his troops not to act like savages over the long weekend: “Don’t drink and drive, don’t drink and surf, don’t drink and skydive — if you do skydive, bring a parachute. If you do get too drunk, call (number of the poor schmuck on duty). If you see me at the bar, don’t talk to me. I hate you all.”
But sometimes, the safety brief can actually be pretty entertaining (or depressing when you consider the guidance is based on all the idiotic things Marines/soldiers/sailors/airmen have done over past weekends) — and occasionally, there’s a safety brief so perfect, that it’s practically a work of art.
This video, posted to YouTube back in May 2014 which shows an unnamed Marine platoon sergeant giving guidance and helpful tips like: Yes, you can get a DUI on a Segway.
It also features ample use of the f-bomb, props (aka, a pair of voluntold lance corporals), at least one neon green man thong, and a very accurate rendition of riding a jet ski (though, from the “jet ski’s” perspective, it probably wasn’t that great.)
In honor of the Marine Corps Birthday, and Veterans Day, form up in a school circle and stand by for the greatest weekend safety brief of all time.