Drug-Peddling Camp Pendleton Marine Was Busted With Fake Penis

A Camp Pendleton Marine court-martialed for using and distributing illegal substances to his fellow Marines had, among many other things, … Continued

A Camp Pendleton Marine court-martialed for using and distributing illegal substances to his fellow Marines had, among many other things, a fake penis in his possession — ostensibly used to defeat Corps urinalysis tests — when he was stopped and searched by military police last year, according to court documents released last week.

In a May 17 decision, a military appeals court judge upheld the court-martial conviction of Cpl. John Kmiecik for violating the Articles 92 and 112a of the Uniform Code of Military Justice when he was discovered with a cache of LSD and marijuana during a traffic stop at Camp Pendleton in March 2017.

Apart from the LSD and marijuana, military police also stumbled across “a ‘Whizzinator’ brand artificial penis, plastic syringe, urine specimen bottle, and bottle of Clear Eyes Redness Relief.”

United States Navy–Marine Corps Court Of Criminal Appeals

Drug-Peddling Camp Pendleton Marine Was Busted With Fake Penis

After receiving an initial sentence of 15 months’ confinement, along with forfeiting pay and allowances and a reduction in grade to E-1 (minus a bad conduct discharge), Kmieck appealed on the grounds that the presiding judge “abused his discretion during pre-sentencing by admitting a signed acknowledgment from the appellant that he understood the Marine Corps’ policy concerning illegal use of drugs.” Which, well, lol.

Efforts to avoid a hot result in your piss test with prosthetic dongs like the Whizzinator have been commonplace for more than a decade. But for reference, here’s what a Whizzinator looks like:

Drug-Peddling Camp Pendleton Marine Was Busted With Fake Penis

The Whizzinator TouchThe Whizzinator

Anyway, if you have a fake penis in your car, along with a buttload of acid and weed, maybe don’t authorize military police to search your locked vehicle. Then again, a plastic schlong does come in handy for those door dings:

Jared Keller
Jared Keller

is the executive editor of Task & Purpose. His writing has appeared in Aeon, the Los Angeles Review of Books, the New Republic, Pacific Standard, Smithsonian, and The Washington Post, among other publications. Contact the author here.

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