5 Perfect Birthday Gifts For The Mad Dog Who Has Everything

DOD photo by U.S. Army Sgt. Amber I. Smith

Before he was “Mad Dog” and “Chaos,” before he commanded divisions in Baghdad and Fallujah, and before he assumed his rightful place at the helm of the Pentagon, Secretary of Defense James Norman Mattis was just little Jim from Richland, Washington.

Born Sept. 8, 1950 to what a friend of his once called “hippie-dippie” parents, Mattis skipped the drum circles and marijuana cigarettes and, in 1972, joined the Marine Corps instead. And thank God he did.

Today, the retired four-star turns 67. This is probably news to him. Birthdays are for cake eaters and people with too much time on their hands. And what more can you give a guy who was just handed 3,500 additional troops for the war in Afghanistan?

But in case someone is planning a surprise birthday party for the SecDef, here are a five additional presents we think he’d appreciate.

1. 10,000 more troops. Should come with a card that says, “Dear Jim, these are yours to use whenever and however you want. Happy birthday! Love, Donny.”

2. A war bride. Mattis has fought a lot of war, but he has never known the sensual touch of a woman (that we know of). It’s finally time for the hard-charging general to get married and start churning out little mad dogs — if only for the sake of our country’s future.

3. A television. Mattis didn’t grow up with a TV and apparently he still doesn’t own one. But this won’t be a normal television, because instead of movies and shows it will just play Predator drone live video feeds. This way he’ll always feel at home.

4. A knife-hand sharpener. Of all his Mattisims, the general is probably best known for advising subordinates to “Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.” This is a hard mantra to live by when all you have is your soft, aging hands. So we recommend a useful tool to keep those puppies razor-sharp and always ready.

5. A new nickname. Several months ago, Mattis begged reporters to just call him “Jim,” suggesting the days of Mad Dog and Chaos are over. But that’s OK, because those nicknames are sort of boring at this point anyway. It’s time for an upgrade. What’s the best new nom de guerre for one of the most legendary military men alive? We welcome your suggestions in the comments


Benjamin Franklin nailed it when he said, "Fatigue is the best pillow." True story, Benny. There's nothing like pushing your body so far past exhaustion that you'd willingly, even longingly, take a nap on a concrete slab.

Take $75 off a Casper Mattress and $150 off a Wave Mattress with code TASKANDPURPOSE

And no one knows that better than military service members and we have the pictures to prove it.

Read More Show Less
U.S. Coast Guard Petty Officer 2nd Class Karl Munson pilots a 26-foot boat while Petty Officer 2nd Class Gabriel Diaz keeps an eye on a boarding team who is inspecting a 79-foot shrimp boat in the Gulf of Mexico, off the coast of New Orleans, La., on April 27, 2005

Radio transmissions to the U.S. Coast Guard are usually calls for help from boaters, but one captain got on the radio recently just to say thanks to the men and women who are currently working without pay.

Read More Show Less
REUTERS/Carlos Barria

DOVER AIR FORCE BASE, Del (Reuters) - U.S. President Donald Trump traveled to Dover Air Force Base in Delaware on Saturday to receive the remains of four Americans killed in a suicide bombing in northern Syria.

Trump, locked in a battle with congressional Democrats that has led to a nearly month-long partial government shutdown, announced his trip via a pre-dawn tweet, saying he was going "to be with the families of 4 very special people who lost their lives in service to our Country!"

Read More Show Less

A low-flying C-17 gave Nashville residents a fright on Friday when the aircraft made several unannounced passes over the city's bustling downtown.

Read More Show Less
George W. Bush/Instagram

This article originally appeared on Business Insider.

Former President George W. Bush is calling for an end to the partial government shutdown, which is about to hit the one-month mark and is currently the longest shutdown in US history.

In an appeal made on Instagram, the 43rd president called on "leaders on both sides to put politics aside, come together, and end this shutdown." The caption was posted with an image of him and former First Lady Laura Bush giving pizza to their Secret Service detail.

Read More Show Less