How To Achieve Mattis-Level Efficiency At Work

Composite by Matt Battaglia

Across America, civilians, service members, and government officials are generally pleased knowing that retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis is running the Defense Department with stabby proficiency. In fact, he’s so efficient that The Business Journals believe most corporate executives could learn a thing or two about holding meetings from him — namely, that most office assemblies are largely pointless, but can be productive if you’re a Mattis.

We agree, but thought we’d take the advice a step further and offer suggestions for how to run your entire office like Mattis. Get you some mad-dog office mojo and tear those TPS reports a new one with these handy tips:

1. Never ever ever use PowerPoint. As Mattis once said, “PowerPoint makes us stupid.”

(Source: DOD)

Uh, yeah. You’re fired.

2. The coffee machine breaks often. Knifehand it. Knifehand the broken copier, too.

(Source: YouTube)

French press? I think you mean “Freedom press.”

3. All requests for time off must be routed through Marine Todd in HR.

(Source: Buzzfeed)

He’s not as bad as he sounds, we swear. No sudden movements, though.

4. When the delivery guy brings a package, you can be polite and professional in greeting him, but you definitely need to have a plan to kill him. And everyone else.

(Source: USAF)

Did anybody vet this “halal” guy? PRESENT… KNIFEHANDS.

5. Don’t bother HR if you have a conflict with a coworker. There are no disagreements that can't be quickly settled with three MCMAP moves.

(Source: DoD)

That’ll teach Bob in IT to take your yogurt from the break-room fridge.

6. Make sure everyone you manage is on time. And remember that to be on time is to be late. Always set meeting times 15 minutes prior to 15 minutes prior to when any call, event, or presentation starts.

(Source: DoD)

“I’m sorry, sir, I thought five minutes early was plenty. Ow”

7. Lastly, embrace the suck. You’re going to be in the shit (this office) until you’re 67 years old and start collecting Social Security. Unless, of course, you get knifehanded by Marine Todd for forgetting to put in a request for that week you sipped fruity drinks on a beach in Boca Raton. Sorry, Marine Todd!

(Source: YouTube)

If Marine Todd isn’t available, you can always get career counseling from Col. Stars and Stripes

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The USS Eagle 56 was only five miles off the coast of Maine when it exploded.

The World War I-era patrol boat split in half, then slipped beneath the surface of the North Atlantic. The Eagle 56 had been carrying a crew of 62. Rescuers pulled 13 survivors from the water that day. It was April 23, 1945, just two weeks before the surrender of Nazi Germany.

The U.S. Navy classified the disaster as an accident, attributing the sinking to a blast in the boiler room. In 2001, that ruling was changed to reflect the sinking as a deliberate act of war, perpetuated by German submarine U-853, a u-boat belonging to Nazi Germany's Kriegsmarine.

Still, despite the Navy's effort to clarify the circumstances surrounding the sinking, the Eagle 56 lingered as a mystery. The ship had sunk relatively close to shore, but efforts to locate the wreck were futile for decades. No one could find the Eagle 56, a small patrol ship that had come so close to making it back home.

Then, a group of friends and amateur divers decided to try to find the wreck in 2014. After years of fruitless dives and intensive research, New England-based Nomad Exploration Team successfully located the Eagle 56 in June 2018.

Business Insider spoke to two crew members — meat truck driver Jeff Goodreau and Massachusetts Department of Corrections officer Donald Ferrara — about their discovery.

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That was from a video posted on YouTube on Sept. 26, 2012, several weeks after Tice went missing near Damascus, Syria, while working as a freelance journalist for McClatchy and the Washington Post.

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For example, the Defense Visual Information Distribution Service tweeted and subsequently deleted a Gilbert Gottfried-esque misfire about the "Storm Area 51" movement.

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