With Thanksgiving finally over, the sleeping masses are bracing themselves for the ultimate struggle for the soul of America: the annual War on Christmas.
Efforts to ban Christmas have real historical roots in the Massachusetts colony with Puritans banning the celebration in 1659; but in the centuries since, philosophical questions of church and state have evolved into an embarrassing national tradition triggered by the freakout over the non-existent decline of Christianity in our constitutionally secular democracy. During World War I, British and German soldiers spontaneously ended hostilities on Christmas Day 1914, leaving their trenches to join together in No Man’s Land to bury the dead, exchange gifts, and engage in a now-legendary game of soccer. Today, Real Patriots™ take a stand against the century-old effort by international Jewry to sterilize Christmas by throwing a shit-fit over veteran-friendly Starbucks’ seasonal coffee cups. We’re sure this is exactly what my homeboy Jesus would have wanted.
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But if you must prepare yourself for an annual exercise in asymmetric culture war that even the Pope has deemed “a charade,” we recommend you do so by engaging in a real all-American tradition: a crazed journey through the funhouse of late capitalism borne from the Protestant Puritan work ethic that this country was built on.
With this in mind, Task & Purpose is here with 11 essential pieces of gear (and fantastic gifts) that will make even Sebastian Gorka look like a hobo.
A ‘Die Hard’ sweatshirt for fun and intimidation
Adorned with a glorious one-liner from the only good Christmas movie after Lethal Weapon, this piece of apparel sends three distinct messages: 1) warmth! 2) laughs! 3) don’t fucking fuck with me, you fuck!
Believe it or not, it’s not completely illegal to own a machine gun in the United States, depending on the weapon and your own personal legal status. We recommend packaging this sweatshirt with some instructions on how to legally pick up some full-auto action in your state. [Buy]
A Squatty Potty
As any veteran of Afghanistan or Iraq will tell you, an active war zone is no excuse for not shitting the right way. Luckily, Squatty Potty’s handy footstool is perfect for helping you boot your own stool from the poorly designed comfort of your porcelain throne. [Buy]
A personal keg
Facing down atheists and Antifa is thirsty work, so why not lug around a ton of beer in your own personal GrowlerWerks uKeg Carbonated Growler? Nothing says “I love Jesus Christ” like blowing a .389 while yelling at neighborhood kids to get off your lawn. [Buy]
A durable flask
Just in case you’re not a beer man, this steel and leather flask from Home Aggressive offers an extra level of protection for that sweet, sweet booze with several layers of stainless steel and leather. [Buy]
A solid Timex wristwatch
Yes, everyone and their mother has a Timex. After all, they don’t just tell time: they’re great for bartering and building trust with local forces, “a magical rapport builder” when meeting new officials in Iraq or Afghanistan, as one former Special Forces NCO once told us.
Good advice, but let’s be real: When liberating those godless strongholds on the East Coast, eggnog or sugar cookies might prove a less expensive taste of freedom. [Buy]
A handy iPhone camera
Sure, it looks like an expensive doohickey that’s no substitute for your built-in phone camera, but the DxO ONE digital iPhone camera is the perfect attachment for the would-be videographer in your life — or just that one guy who has to film his angry rants about the War on Christmas in his car’s driver’s seat because his wife keeps yelling at him for making such a racket. [Buy]
This wicked spiral knife
Of all the combat knives on the market, United Cutlery’s M48 Cyclone Fixed Blade is the only one that is primarily designed to scare the bejesus out of potential enemies. As unusual as it may look, the Cyclone is the best knife to add a little intimidation to the deadly dance of combat — and the best way to make your enemy shit himself before he dies. [Buy]
This wearable sleeping bag
Thanks to the novel coronavirus (COVID-19), this year’s War on Christmas has taken a turn for the especially dismal in comparison to past years. Luckily, the wearable sleeping bag from Selk’bag is the perfect accessory to keep you warm and cozy while you’re hunkered down inside plotting your next move. [Buy]
This outdoor heat lamp
These cut-proof Kevlar sleeves
This survival kit
The Kosin survival kit is one of our favorites for any challenge which may come your way, and it appears especially useful should you find yourself expelled into the wilderness for actually taking part in the War on Christmas. After all, there is no real War on Christmas, only the one we wage in our mind’s eye when we’ve succumbed to the glorious paranoia of our worst fever dreams. Now have a drink, sit back, and relax: you earned it. [Buy]
Editor’s note: A version of this post first appeared in 2017. Task & Purpose and its partners may earn a commission if you purchase a product through one of our links.