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How to declutter the Pentagon, according to lifestyle guru and killing machine Marine Kondo
The U.S. Marine Corps is one of the foremost fighting forces on the planet that's been beating America's enemies into submission since 1775. Marie Kondo is a Japanese organizing consultant and beloved lifestyle guru who's been inspiring civilians to throw out all their old crap since December.
Together, they are Marine Kondo, the most senior NCO attached to the Section 809 Panel, and only force mighty enough to tame the unruly kudzu of bureaucracy and red tape that is the Pentagon acquisition process.
Below, Marine Kondo outlines the principles that should guide Pentagon planners as they work to streamline how the military procures its weapons or war.
I am Marine Kondo, your senior drill instructor. From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your filthy sewers will be "ma'am." Do you maggots understand that?
Now, I am here to mold you into the people who can fix the godawful mess that is the Pentagon acquisition process, and it will not be easy. The question of what you want to own is actually the question of how you want to live your life. Until you can answer that question, you are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit.
Luckily for you, my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved task force. Know this: the space in which we operate should be for the military we are becoming now, not for the military we were in the past. Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn.
Now, here are my four guiding principles you should keep in mind as you go about streamlining the Pentagon bureaucracy
- Keep only those things that speak to your heart. Then take the plunge and discard all the rest. By doing this, you can reset your life and embark on a new lifestyle. When you're done, the acquisition process should be so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump.
- Tidying is just a tool, not the final destination. The true goal should be to establish the lifestyle you want most once your house has been put in order. Indeed, it is your killer instinct which must be harnessed if you expect to survive in combat. Your next-generation weapons are only a tool. It is a hard heart that kills. If your killer instincts are not clean and strong you will hesitate at the moment of truth.
- Visible mess helps distract us from the true source of the disorder. Ignore all the fancy weapons and high-tech crap; they're just distractions from that target lifestyle of maximum lethality. Always remember the words, I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me.
- Take each item in one's hand and ask: "Does this spark joy?" Then why did you try to sneak a jelly doughnut in your footlocker?!
Finally, don't let fear destroy your will. When we really delve into the reasons for why we can't let something go, there are only two: an attachment to the past or a fear for the future. Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit!
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