Is The Marine Corps Right For You? Here's Our Guide To Which Branch You Should Join

Mandatory Fun

For a veteran or service member, getting asked “which service is right for me?” is a lot like when someone asks you if they should get a burger or a salad. Looking at their gut, the correct answer is salad, but we both know they’re going to get the burger, so your opinion on this is irrelevant. Likewise, would-be enlistees are probably just going to join whichever branch their dad served in — or they’ll follow the recruiter who gives them the best swag, or accepts their horrible ASVAB score. But if you’re trying to make The Decision — like LeBron James, but for a lot less money and more disappointment — I’ve created this guide to help you along,


Marine Corps

Do you have trouble talking to the opposite sex? Do you need a crew of friends with you to do so? Did your mother tell you that you weren’t built for football, and she was right? Do you constantly think about how you could beat up your old bullies, if only you got the chance? With that chip your shoulder building, the Marines are for you. Everyone knows that Marines have the sexiest uniforms, the baddest reputation, and the hardest boot camp. They will help you polish that chip into a shiny hard trophy. Oh, and those guys that bullied you? They became Marines too, but they’re recon. Nerd.

Air Force

With the self-awareness of a rubber tree plant, you’re too busy reminding the teacher about homework to think about partying or sports. If you do play sports, they’re individual-based, like tennis or chess. You want to serve your country to prove that you’re tough, but you’re smart enough to know that you’re not meant to be with the animals. You actually do the proper research into military careers and how to build a beautiful credit score. The Air Force is perfect for you and you know it, because you spent six months building a risk assessment report on it. Plus, Americans think the Air Force is the most important branch.

Navy

We can be honest here: Unless you’re a pilot or a SEAL, why would anyone want to join the Navy? You’re overworked and under-appreciated. Civilians think you’re cute, not scary. And even the Air Force makes fun of you for not being Marines. You see, you’ve been too busy playing indie video games, hanging out at the mall drinking Monsters, and dying your hair zany colors to pay enough attention to anything. The Navy recruiters fit your chill vibe perfectly, and you figured it’d be a great way to travel the world and finally get to that Tumblr blog of yours to blow up.

Army

You are everyone else. You’re not drawn in by the exclusiveness of the Marine Corps. You’re too smart to become a sailor, but too cool to be an airman. You live in purgatory and that’s where you’re happiest. You and your boys like to dress the same when you go out; you think it makes you uniquely funny. You also read how the Army pretty much hands out E-6 rank like it’s candy, and you know that you can talk back with little punishment, because the Army’s HR protections are stronger than any private corporation’s. If you were going to attend college you’d join the first frat to let you in and be, generally, unmemorable.

And there you have it. The most definitive guide to which branch you should join. You may disagree, but that’s only because you weren’t a Marine. Any questions or concerns may be directed to the comment section.

(U.S. Attorney's Office in Maryland)

GREENBELT, Md. (Reuters) - A U.S. Coast Guard lieutenant accused of amassing a cache of weapons and plotting to attack Democratic politicians and journalists was ordered held for two weeks on Thursday while federal prosecutors consider charging him with more crimes.

Read More Show Less
An undated image of Hoda Muthana provided by her attorney, Hassan Shibly. (Associated Press)

Attorneys for the Constitutional Law Center for Muslims in America have filed a lawsuit against Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, Attorney General William Barr and President Donald Trump asking the court to recognize the citizenship of an Alabama woman who left the U.S. to join ISIS and allow she and her young son to return to the United States.

Read More Show Less
U.S. soldiers surveil the area during a combined joint patrol in Manbij, Syria, November 1, 2018. Picture taken November 1, 2018. (U.S. Army/Zoe Garbarino/Handout via Reuters)

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The United States will leave "a small peacekeeping group" of 200 American troops in Syria for a period of time after a U.S. pullout, the White House said on Thursday, as President Donald Trump pulled back from a complete withdrawal.

Read More Show Less
Construction crews staged material needed for the Santa Teresa Border Wall Replacement project near the Santa Teresa Port of Entry. (U.S. Customs and Border Patrol/Mani Albrecht)

With a legal fight challenge mounting from state governments over the Trump administration's use of a national emergency to construct at the U.S.-Mexico border, the president has kicked his push for the barrier into high gear.

On Wednesday, President Trump tweeted a time-lapse video of wall construction in New Mexico; the next day, he proclaimed that "THE WALL IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION RIGHT NOW"

But there's a big problem: The footage, which was filmed more than five months ago on Sep. 18, 2018, isn't really new wall construction at all, and certainly not part of the ongoing construction of "the wall" that Trump has been haggling with Congress over.

Read More Show Less
(From left to right) Chris Osman, Chris McKinley, Kent Kroeker, and Talon Burton

A group comprised of former U.S. military veterans and security contractors who were detained in Haiti on weapons charges has been brought back to the United States and arrested upon landing, The Miami-Herald reported.

The men — five Americans, two Serbs, and one Haitian — were stopped at a Port-au-Prince police checkpoint on Sunday while riding in two vehicles without license plates, according to police. When questioned, the heavily-armed men allegedly told police they were on a "government mission" before being taken into custody.

Read More Show Less