For a veteran or service member, getting asked “which service is right for me?” is a lot like when someone asks you if they should get a burger or a salad. Looking at their gut, the correct answer is salad, but we both know they’re going to get the burger, so your opinion on this is irrelevant. Likewise, would-be enlistees are probably just going to join whichever branch their dad served in — or they’ll follow the recruiter who gives them the best swag, or accepts their horrible ASVAB score. But if you’re trying to make The Decision — like LeBron James, but for a lot less money and more disappointment — I’ve created this guide to help you along,

Marine Corps

Marine Corps

Do you have trouble talking to the opposite sex? Do you need a crew of friends with you to do so? Did your mother tell you that you weren’t built for football, and she was right? Do you constantly think about how you could beat up your old bullies, if only you got the chance? With that chip your shoulder building, the Marines are for you. Everyone knows that Marines have the sexiest uniforms, the baddest reputation, and the hardest boot camp. They will help you polish that chip into a shiny hard trophy. Oh, and those guys that bullied you? They became Marines too, but they’re recon. Nerd.

Air Force

With the self-awareness of a rubber tree plant, you’re too busy reminding the teacher about homework to think about partying or sports. If you do play sports, they’re individual-based, like tennis or chess. You want to serve your country to prove that you’re tough, but you’re smart enough to know that you’re not meant to be with the animals. You actually do the proper research into military careers and how to build a beautiful credit score. The Air Force is perfect for you and you know it, because you spent six months building a risk assessment report on it. Plus, Americans think the Air Force is the most important branch.

Navy

Navy Sailors

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We can be honest here: Unless you’re a pilot or a SEAL, why would anyone want to join the Navy? You’re overworked and under-appreciated. Civilians think you’re cute, not scary. And even the Air Force makes fun of you for not being Marines. You see, you’ve been too busy playing indie video games, hanging out at the mall drinking Monsters, and dying your hair zany colors to pay enough attention to anything. The Navy recruiters fit your chill vibe perfectly, and you figured it’d be a great way to travel the world and finally get to that Tumblr blog of yours to blow up.

Army

Army

You are everyone else. You’re not drawn in by the exclusiveness of the Marine Corps. You’re too smart to become a sailor, but too cool to be an airman. You live in purgatory and that’s where you’re happiest. You and your boys like to dress the same when you go out; you think it makes you uniquely funny. You also read how the Army pretty much hands out E-6 rank like it’s candy, and you know that you can talk back with little punishment, because the Army’s HR protections are stronger than any private corporation’s. If you were going to attend college you’d join the first frat to let you in and be, generally, unmemorable.

And there you have it. The most definitive guide to which branch you should join. You may disagree, but that’s only because you weren’t a Marine. Any questions or concerns may be directed to the comment section.