The Navy Has A New Ad Campaign. Who Should Be Its Next Voice?

Humor
Image via "Battleship"

Past, present, and future sailors… get ready to decelerate your life.


Actor Keith David’s 16-year reign as the stoic, yet soothing voice of America’s Navy has come to an end, UNSI News reports — a decision that had something to do with the sea service’s new half-billion-dollar media strategy, and included a commercial with a soundtrack befitting a fleet of Decepticons, not U.S. warships.

As many sailors and Marines (and, really, anyone who’s turned on a TV since 9/11) will recall, David’s sultry baritone provided the voiceovers for numerous recruiting commercials. The prolific actor — who also starred in the by-vets, for-vets dark comedy Range 15 — delivered recruiting taglines like “Accelerate your life” and “America’s Navy: a global force for good” with verve and forcefulness. His delivery paired well with heroic poses on carrier decks and barrel rolls in F/A-18s.

But now there’s a new Navy ad slogan — “Forged By The Sea” — and, as so often happens, a personnel change. The service’s move to drop David and his iconic voice from its ads was met by many sailors with a collective “Bro. Wtf. How did we fuck that up,” as one Navy petty officer lamented to Task & Purpose.

David’s early (and hopefully, temporary) departure could be seen as an opportunity, though: Who will be the new voice of the U.S. Navy? Task & Purpose has a few helpful suggestions on that; read on.

Morgan Freeman

If you’re going to sell the free-world’s leader in disaster response and global strike capability, you want someone who can come across as comforting, but still a little intimidating. Morgan Freeman has played everything from God to gangsters. Also, you already know his bourbon-and-rocks voice can move any narrative along:

C’mon. You can already imagine Freeman channeling Shawshank Redemption for a rousing tale: Andy Dufresne, who had no business enlisting….

Pauly Shore

Pauly Shore could do for the Navy what In The Army Now did for the branch’s land-lubbing cousin, if you’re into that sorta thing. Want to rebrand the sea service as a fun adventure, and a home for goofballs and misfits?… wait, now that I think about it, I get the impression this is exactly not what the Navy wants.

Ellen DeGeneres

Considering that the Navy is a water-based service, DeGeneres seems like a natural fit given her experience narrating sea stories: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

And seeing as she has a penchant for giveaways, DeGeneres might make some waves at the next budget hearing, too: You get an F-35. You get an F-35! YOU GET AN F-35! And you, well we were going to give you a railgun, but we ran into some problems with that. So here’s a bunch of tungsten darts!

R. Lee Ermey

If the Navy’s looking to recruit adventure seekers, misery lovers, heartbreakers and life takers, then why not lean on the rage-filled-rantings of a man who sold “the crazy brave and phony tough” to a generation of future-Marines as Gunny Hartman in Full Metal Jacket?

Just reshoot this scene on a ship and you’ll have enlistees lining up outside the recruiting office in no time.

Liam Neeson

Scene: Gulf of Aden. Dead of night. Liam Neeson stands on the bridge of an Arleigh Burke-class guided missile destroyer, speaking into a satellite phone to pirates who have commandeered a U.S.-flagged shipping vessel and taken the crew hostage.

Image via Taken

“If you are looking for ransom I can tell you we don’t negotiate with terrorists, but what we do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills which we have acquired over a 242-year career. Skills that make us a nightmare for people like you. If you let our ship and crew go now, that'll be the end of it… But if you don't, we will look for you, we will find you, and three Navy SEAL snipers will kill you with simultaneous headshots fired from the deck of a warship 100 yards away, at night."

Got any ideas of your own for the Navy’s next voice-over spokesman? Let us know in the comments or email James@taskandpurpose.com

WATCH NEXT:

U.S. Air Force officer passes in front of a MQ-9 Reaper drone, one of a squadron that has arrived to step up the fight against the Taliban, at the Kandahar air base, Afghanistan January 23, 2018. (Reuters/Omar Sobhani)

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - A U.S. military MQ-9 drone was shot down in Yemen's Dhamar governate, southeast of the Houthi-controlled capital Sanaa, two U.S. officials told Reuters on Wednesday.

A Houthi military spokesman had earlier said that air defenses had brought down a U.S. drone.

The officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said the drone was shot down late on Tuesday.

Read More Show Less
Photo: U.S. Army Courtesy photo

Fort Hood's Air Assault School was renamed after Command Sgt. Maj. Basil L. Plumley on Thursday.

Read More Show Less
An E-2D Hawkeye assigned to the Bluetails of Carrier Airborne Early Warning Squadron (VAW) 121 lands on the flight deck aboard the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN 72). (U.S. Navy/Mass Communication Specialist Seaman Will Hardy)

Editor's Note: This article by Oriana Pawlyk originally appeared on Military.com, a leading source of news for the military and veteran community.

While attempting to land on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln in the Arabian Sea earlier this month, an E-2D Hawkeye propeller aircraft struck two F/A-18 Super Hornet aircraft and sent debris flying into two other F/A-18s on the flight deck, according to the Naval Safety Center.

Read More Show Less

Nobody can be told what The Matrix is; you have to see it for yourself.

More than two decades after The Matrix showed the world what the future of the sci-fi action flick could look like, Warner Bros. Pictures plans on producing a fourth installment of the groundbreaking epic saga, Variety first reported on Tuesday.

Read More Show Less
Sailors from Coastal Riverine Squadron (CRS) 1 conduct category III qualifications on the M2A1 heavy machine gun at Marine Corps Base Camp Pendleton, Calif. CRS-1 is qualifying for future mobilization requirements. (U.S. Navy/Hospital Corpsman 1st Class Kenji Shiroma)

The Navy is considering giving Ma Deuce a quiet new update.

Read More Show Less