New Bill Would Fine Men $100 For Masturbating. Yes, A Jerk-Off Tax

news
Photo via Flickr Creative Commons

In the history of outrageous laws, where there are plenty of really out there ideas, a bill from Texas Democratic Rep. Jessica Farrar may just beat them all.


Called the “Man’s Right To Know Act,” House Bill 4260 would impose a fine for masturbating. We’re not talking about a penalty for jacking it where or when you're not supposed to, no, this is just plain old beating off that’s under attack.

Farrar’s bill would fine men $100 for masturbating and would require that those seeking a vasectomy, a Viagra prescription, or a colonoscopy receive a booklet with relevant pro-and-con medical information, according to The Texas Tribune. The bill would also allow doctors to invoke their "personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs" in choosing not to perform an elective vasectomy or prescribe Viagra. The bill also calls for “informed consent” for elective vasectomies, colonoscopy procedures and Viagra prescriptions, legalese which means that a man must undergo a “cooling-off” period of 24 hours after a health care consultation before actually obtaining his prescription or procedure.

And just for shits and giggles, the bill requires a rectal exam prior to receiving the Viagra prescription, vasectomy, or colonoscopy. The law also acknowledges that the exam is entirely unnecessary. (Or, in the case of the colonoscopy, redundant.)

Related: This Patriotic Porn Star Is Casting Veterans For A New Project »

The bill is completely absurd, and that’s kind of the point. For starters, how do you even monitor masturbation patterns, anyway? Will there be a state semen solicitor who checks up on male citizens to ensure they haven’t made any, uh, unsanctioned deposits to the spank bank?

Utterly sarcastic and satirical, the proposal strikes at the heart of what Farrar sees as a major problem with a number of recently passed anti-abortion and women’s health laws. By subjecting men to restrictive and invasive medical guidelines, Farrar says she’s hoping to start a discussion on how much legal control the government should exercise over another person’s body.

“What I would like to see is this make people stop and think,” Farrar told the Tribune. “Maybe my colleagues aren’t capable of that, but the people who voted for them, or the people that didn’t vote at all, I hope that it changes their mind and helps them to decide what the priorities are.”

The bill invokes the argument of “sanctity of life,” a term that’s often associated with anti-abortion legislation. In this case, Farrar uses it to argue that every sperm is sacred, therefore if it’s not used to create a pregnancy, “then it’s a waste … because that semen can be used  — and is to be used — for creating more human life,” she said.

So if you’re living in Texas and happen to belong to that growing percentage of porn viewers who choke it compulsively every day, you may want to consider a move. Either that or political activism, which sometimes feels a lot like masturbation.

U.S. Air Force Master Sgt. Aliah Reyes, a Defense POW/MIA Accounting Agency (DPAA) recovery team recovery noncommissioned officer, sifts through dirt during a recovery mission in Lang Son Province, Vietnam, Oct. 29, 2019. (Air Force photo/Staff Sgt. Rusty Frank)

The 80-minute ride each day to the site in Lang Son Province, Vietnam, through mostly unspoiled forestland and fields, reminded Air Force Master Sgt. Aliah Reyes a little of her hometown back in Maine.

The Eliot native recently returned from a 45-day mission to the Southeast Asian country, where she was part of a team conducting a search for a Vietnam War service member who went missing more than 45 years ago and is presumed dead.

Reyes, 38, enlisted in the Air Force out of high school and has spent more than half her life in military service. But she had never been a part of anything like this.

Read More
A smoking U.S. Army Stryker Infantry Carrier Vehicle in Poland on January 18, 2020 (Facebook/Orzysz 998)

A U.S. Army Stryker armored vehicle burst into flames on the side of a Polish roadway on Saturday, the Army confirmed on Monday.

Read More
A U.S. Soldier assigned to 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) runs for cover during a live fire exercise at the 7th Army Training Command, Grafenwoehr Training Area, Germany. (U.S. Army/Gertrud Zach)

A memo circulating over the weekend warning of a "possible imminent attack" against U.S. soldiers in Germany was investigated by Army officials, who found there to not be a serious threat after all.

Read More

The U.S. Navy will name its fourth Ford-class aircraft carrier after Doris Miller, an iconic World War II sailor recognized for his heroism during the Pearl Harbor attack, according to reports in The Honolulu Star-Advertiser and U.S. Naval Institute News.

Acting Navy Secretary Thomas Modly is expected to announce the naming of CVN-81 during a ceremony on Monday in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, according to USNI. Two of Miller's nieces are expected to be there, according to the Star-Advertiser.

Read More
Comedian and activist Jon Stewart meets with members of Toxic Exposures in the American Military (TEAM), a coalition of veteran and military service organizations, Jan. 17 on Capitol Hill. (Courtesy of TEAM)

Comedian Jon Stewart has joined forces with veterans groups to make sure service members who have been sickened by toxins from burn pits get the medical care they need, according to the Military Officers Association of America.

"Quite frankly, this is not just about burn pits — it's about the way we go to war as a country," Stewart said during his Jan. 17 visit to Washington, D.C. "We always have money to make war. We need to always have money to take care of what happens to people who are selfless enough, patriotic enough, to wage those wars on our behalf."

Read More