--- title: "The Pentagon’s ‘National High Five Day’ Video Is Extremely Awkward" date: "2017-04-20" modified: "2017-04-20" authors: - name: "Jared Keller" job_title: "Former Managing Editor" link: "https://taskandpurpose.com/authors/jaredkeller/" url: "https://taskandpurpose.com/news/pentagon-high-five-video/" categories: - "News" --- # The Pentagon’s ‘National High Five Day’ Video Is Extremely Awkward ![]() On Thursday, the official Twitter account of the Department of Defense shared a short, satirical video — evidently masterminded by some Marines — to mark National High Five Day. Don't leave them hanging. Celebrate [#NationalHighFiveDay]()[@usmc]()[@usairforce]()[@usnavy]()[@usarmy]()[pic.twitter.com/WqlWN7qzHU]() — U.S. Dept of Defense (@DeptofDefense) [April 20, 2017]() Task & Purpose's resident nasty civilian, Jared Keller, and its least distinguished vet, Adam Weinstein, sat down to parse out what the hell they just watched. Here is a snippet of that conversation. **Adam:** I mean, they aren’t wrong: We sailors sure do love sitting in chairs. Most of the soldiers I know aren’t really into the low-crawl, though. **Jared:** These are the world’s most inefficient high fives. **Adam:** Yeah, I feel like the devil dogs were pretty generous to the other services here. How many sailors and airmen do you know who expend that much energy? **Jared:** I laud and commend the Pentagon for getting into the spirit, but this is like watching your father attempting to dab, or do the Harlem Shake, or some other nonsensical bullshit. **Adam:** Makes sense that the Marines wouldn’t like physical contact, though. They’re so high-strung, man. **Jared:** Good for them! High fives are disgusting. We all know handshakes are [fucking gross](), and high fives spread [half as many germs]() as a traditional hand-to-hand greeting. So they’re still the equivalent of basically rubbing your palms across someone’s taint. **Adam:** I never even heard of National High Five Day. I’m not sure it’s really what April 20 is known for. **Jared:** --Did you say 4/20? Hang on, I dropped a nug someplace... **Adam:** I guess if the Pentagon press office isn’t busy with anything else…? **Jared:** It’s enough to call the Pentagon PAO and ask if Mattis is feeling OK. **Adam:** Now *there’s* a man who doesn’t high five. Knife hands! **Jared:** National High Five Day is not a *real* holiday, obviously. Not like the “Oh, I’m sorry honey, but Santa is actually your daddy in a polyester costume” kind of not-real, but the “Hey we made up a holiday to make you buy crap” kind of not real. [Capitalism is a bitch](). **Adam:** Come on, what the hell are they selling? Slap-friendly gloves? **Jared:** Actually, the “story” behind the today’s palm-slapping occasion is kind of nice — in 2002, a group of students at the University of Virginia started giving out “high fives and lemonade” on campus on the third Thursday in April, and the tradition slowly grew into [a fundraising drive for children]() with chronic illnesses. But that doesn’t make it an occasion worth devoting a public affairs budget to. **Adam:** Well, one, I doubt much budget went into this. Two, you just *actually*’d me on the origins of High Five Day. **Jared:** Wanna high five on it? **Adam:** You said that was nasty gross, though! **Jared:** How about a fist bump? That exposes [a lot less skin surface area](). **Adam:** No fist bumps, I don’t [support terrorists](). **Jared:** Don’t make this awkward. What is this, a Pentagon spirit spot about high fiving? ## Author Jared Keller is the former managing editor of Task & Purpose. His writing has appeared in Aeon, the Los Angeles Review of Books, the New Republic, Pacific Standard, Smithsonian, and The Washington Post, among other publications. ### Author social links [Twitter]() [Facebook]() [LinkedIn]() [Instagram]()