These Veterans Charities Aren't Real, But Goddammit They Should Be

Mandatory Fun

Do you think there are too many veteran nonprofits with unclear goals and way too much overhead? Think again! What the world really needs is more of those.

Introducing Lamp Shades for Heroes, Tactical Giraffes for Ambitious Marines, Old Coats For Virginia Cavalry Scouts, and probably a few hundred unnecessary veteran nonprofits, all cobbled together with the help of an algorithm and a heavy dose of sarcasm.


These names are just a few of those auto-generated by Everything for Warriors, a gag site that playfully lampoons the flood of 501(c)(3) organizations devoted to military veterans that have emerged in recent years.

As Chad Garland with Stars and Stripes reported yesterday, the site was created by Brian Wilson, who served in Iraq during his six years in the National Guard and now works at Combined Arms, a (very real) nonprofit that connects connects Houston-based veterans with vetted charities in the area.

"There are some 250 places that offer help to veterans in Houston alone," Wilson told Stars and Stripes. "Some have disappeared, some have been investigated for fraud, some have succeeded and some ... are just there not really making an impact."

The site generates its names from hundreds of phrases and nouns and then sprinkles in bits of military jargon, which is how you end up with gems like this:


So, pretty much your standard care package?Everything For Warriors

Which got us thinking? Which of these faux foundations would we actually want? Glad you asked.

Pencils For Lackadaisical Transportation Specialists

Tactical Giraffes For Ambitious Marines

Velcro Wallets For Prudish Heroes

Old Coats For West Virginia Cavalry Scouts

Lamp Shades For Heroes

Shawls For Chronically Late Cavalry Scouts

Birth Control For American Marines

Pickles For Utah C-130 Pilots

Fancy Hats For Wisconsin Yeoman

Flintlock Rifles For Rancid Marines

Lunch Meats For Virginia Public Affairs Officers

Books For Scrawny Enlisted

SEE ALSO: A Sailor Was Apparently Worried About Pissing Hot, So He Allegedly Set Urine Samples On Fire

WATCH NEXT: Jack Mandaville Takes On Plastic Patriots

A Syrian commando-in-training applies the safety on his rifle during basic rifle marksmanship training in Syria, July 20, 2019. (U.S. Army/Spc. Alec Dionne)

The U.S. government failed to effectively account for nearly $715.8 million in weapons and equipment allocated to Syrian partners as part of the multinational counter-ISIS fight, according to a new report from the Defense Department inspector general.

Read More

On Feb. 19, 1945, more than 70,000 U.S. Marines conducted an amphibious assault to take the Island of Iwo Jima from fortified Japanese forces. Over the next 36 days nearly 7,000 Marines would be killed during the battle, which is regarded as one of the bloodiest of World War II, as they faced hidden enemy artillery, machine guns, vast bunker systems and underground tunnels. Of the 82 Marines who earned the Medal of Honor during all of World War II, 22 medals were earned for actions on Iwo Jima.

Now, 75 years later, 28 Marines and Sailors who fought on Iwo Jima gathered to remember the battle at the 75th and final commemoration sunset ceremony Feb. 15, 2020, at the Pacific Views Event Center on Camp Pendleton, California.

Read More
REUTERS/Scott Audette/File Photo

Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii), has long been seen as an apologist for Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad, whom she met during a secret trip to Damascus in January 2017.

Most recently, a video was posted on Twitter shows Gabbard evading a question about whether Assad is a war criminal.

Since Gabbard is the only actively serving member of the military who is running for president — she is a major in the Hawaii Army National Guard — Task & Purpose sought to clarify whether she believes Assad has used chlorine gas and chemical weapons to kill his own people.

Read More
Barrett's bolt-action Multi-Role Adaptive Design (MRAD) system (Courtesy photo)

The Army is almost doubling its purchase of new bolt-action Precision Sniper Rifles as its primary anti-personnel sniper system of choice, according to budget documents.

Read More
The GAU-5A Aircrew Self Defense Weapon (U.S. Air Force photo)

Editor's Note: This article by Matthew Cox originally appeared on Military.com, a leading source of news for the military and veteran community.

Air Force gunsmiths recently completed delivery of a new M4-style carbine designed to break down small enough to fit under most pilot ejection seats.

Read More