A Rip-It Faucet And 4 Other Things The Military Should Add To Its Budget

Humor
Original photo: DoD

On Jan. 20, the day he swore into office and assumed the role of commander-in-chief, President Donald Trump vowed to rebuild America’s “depleted” armed forces. Now, the military is holding the new president to his word. Last week, Pentagon officials delivered to Congress a plan for increasing the defense budget by more than $30 billion to acquire new jets, armored, vehicles, improved training, and more, according to the Associated Press.


That’s great and all but what about the cool stuff? Yes, I get that we need to keep our country safe, etcetera etcetera, but $30 billion is a ton of money. That’s enough for everyone to get a little piece of the pie. So, here’s what I’m proposing: Kick some of that sweet moolah down to the guys and gals in the trenches. Take just a tiny fraction of that money — say, $5 or $10 billion — and spend it on things that the people who put on the uniform every day will actually benefit from and enjoy.   

Here are five really great and totally reasonable suggestions:

A Rip-It Faucet In Every Barracks Room

This is really a no-brainer. Forget what the “scientists” and “doctors” say, we all know that increasing caffeine assumption is the key to a more effective fighting force. The last thing a soldier needs to do first thing in the morning is drink water, which is devoid of essential nutrients like taurine and ginseng. It’s really a waste of bladder space, if you ask me. This is why we must immediately remove all of the water tanks in the barracks and replace them with giant reservoirs of Rip-It energy liquid. This will lead to an extreme spike in productivity, speed, and focus throughout the ranks, and also enable service members to work 24-hours a day, seven days a week.

Pornhub Platinum Membership For All Single Service Members

After work, when all of their married colleagues return home to their loving spouses, single soldiers return to their barracks rooms, open up their laptops, type the letter “p”, wait a second for pornhub.com to automatically appear in the web browser, and hit enter. But are they really getting the porn experience they deserve? After all, these are the people who are keeping our country safe. They’ve earned maximum stimulation, free of charge. And that’s why all single service members should be issued a lifetime Platinum Pornhub membership. It’s only $9.99 a month. With $30 billion at our disposal, it is the least we, the American taxpayers, can do.     

Taco Tuesdays

Imagine this: You’re a soldier and you’re hungry. You go to the chow hall and … meat loaf again? Booooooring. So how about we spice things up a little — like, literally spice things up with authentic Mexican tacos, every Tuesday. Personally, I’m a big fan of carne guisada, so those would definitely have to be on the menu. But there could be something for everyone: chicken, steak, pork, fish — hell, even shrimp. To liven up the spread, I’d also suggest including a salsa bar with at least 10 different types of delicious homemade salsas and fresh guacamoles. Oh, and, speaking of salsa, a live mariachi band should also be present so after dessert (flan, of course) everyone can salsa dance.     

A 50-Foot Statue Of Mattis In Downtown Kabul

Photo via Imgur

It’s been more than 15 years since we toppled the Taliban regime and won the invasion of Afghanistan, but looking around the streets of Kabul you wouldn’t guess it. That is why, without further delay, we must erect a 50-foot statue of James “I Go By Jim” Mattis in downtown Kabul. Obviously, he should be riding something — a white steed, perhaps. Or better yet: a tiger. He should be shirtless and wielding a battleaxe, a symbol of the mighty military he commands. This will do two things: One, look awesome. And two, let our enemies know that we WILL FUCKING DESTROY THEM.        

Tactical Rollerblades

Walking is a pain of the ass and when you’re in the military you have to do a lot of it. There’s an easy and relatively cheap solution for this: military-issued tactical rollerblades. Not only do ’blades keep your leg muscles in tip-top shape, but they also allow a soldier to move swiftly and silently, like the wind. And there’s also an obvious battlefield application here. Think about it. Instead of running, which strains the knees and jostles the bowels, soldiers can glide across the battlefield, maintaining steady aim with their rifles as they descend upon their foes. Hemingway once said that courage is “grace under fire,” and there’s nothing more graceful than a platoon of infantrymen rollerblading into battle.  

Every once in a while, we run across a photo in The Times-Picayune archives that's so striking that it begs a simple question: "What in the name of Momus Alexander Morgus is going on in this New Orleans photograph?" When we do, we've decided, we're going to share it — and to attempt to answer that question.

Read More Show Less
Members of the Syrian Democratic Forces control the monitor of their drone at their advanced position, during the fighting with Islamic State's fighters in Nazlat Shahada, a district of Raqqa. (Reuters/Zohra Bensemra)

MUSCAT (Reuters) - The United States should keep arming and aiding the Kurdish-led Syrian Democratic Forces (SDF) following the planned U.S. withdrawal from Syria, provided the group keeps up the pressure on Islamic State, a senior U.S. general told Reuters on Friday.

Read More Show Less

President Donald Trump claims the $6.1 billion from the Defense Department's budget that he will now spend on his border wall was not going to be used for anything "important."

Trump announced on Friday that he was declaring a national emergency, allowing him to tap into military funding to help pay for barriers along the U.S.-Mexico border.

Read More Show Less

Long before Tony Stark took a load of shrapnel to the chest in a distant war zone, science fiction legend Robert Heinlein gave America the most visceral description of powered armor for the warfighter of the future. Forget the spines of extra-lethal weaponry, the heads-up display, and even the augmented strength of an Iron Man suit — the real genius, Heinlein wrote in Starship Troopers, "is that you don't have to control the suit; you just wear it, like your clothes, like skin."

"Any sort of ship you have to learn to pilot; it takes a long time, a new full set of reflexes, a different and artificial way of thinking," explains Johnny Rico. "Spaceships are for acrobats who are also mathematicians. But a suit, you just wear."

First introduced in 2013, U.S. Special Operations Command's Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit (TALOS) purported to offer this capability as America's first stab at militarized powered armor. And while SOCOM initially promised a veritable Iron Man-style tactical armor by 2018, a Navy spokesman told Task & Purpose the much-hyped exoskeleton will likely never get off the launch pad.

"The prototype itself is not currently suitable for operation in a close combat environment," SOCOM spokesman Navy Lt. Phillip Chitty told Task & Purpose, adding that JATF-TALOS has no plans for an external demonstration this year. "There is still no intent to field the TALOS Mk 5 combat suit prototype."

Read More Show Less

D-Day veteran James McCue died a hero. About 500 strangers made sure of it.

"It's beautiful," Army Sgt. Pete Rooney said of the crowd that gathered in the cold and stood on the snow Thursday during McCue's burial. "I wish it happened for every veteran's funeral."

Read More Show Less