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A Rip-It Faucet And 4 Other Things The Military Should Add To Its Budget
On Jan. 20, the day he swore into office and assumed the role of commander-in-chief, President Donald Trump vowed to rebuild America’s “depleted” armed forces. Now, the military is holding the new president to his word. Last week, Pentagon officials delivered to Congress a plan for increasing the defense budget by more than $30 billion to acquire new jets, armored, vehicles, improved training, and more, according to the Associated Press.
That’s great and all but what about the cool stuff? Yes, I get that we need to keep our country safe, etcetera etcetera, but $30 billion is a ton of money. That’s enough for everyone to get a little piece of the pie. So, here’s what I’m proposing: Kick some of that sweet moolah down to the guys and gals in the trenches. Take just a tiny fraction of that money — say, $5 or $10 billion — and spend it on things that the people who put on the uniform every day will actually benefit from and enjoy.
Here are five really great and totally reasonable suggestions:
A Rip-It Faucet In Every Barracks Room
This is really a no-brainer. Forget what the “scientists” and “doctors” say, we all know that increasing caffeine assumption is the key to a more effective fighting force. The last thing a soldier needs to do first thing in the morning is drink water, which is devoid of essential nutrients like taurine and ginseng. It’s really a waste of bladder space, if you ask me. This is why we must immediately remove all of the water tanks in the barracks and replace them with giant reservoirs of Rip-It energy liquid. This will lead to an extreme spike in productivity, speed, and focus throughout the ranks, and also enable service members to work 24-hours a day, seven days a week.
Pornhub Platinum Membership For All Single Service Members
After work, when all of their married colleagues return home to their loving spouses, single soldiers return to their barracks rooms, open up their laptops, type the letter “p”, wait a second for pornhub.com to automatically appear in the web browser, and hit enter. But are they really getting the porn experience they deserve? After all, these are the people who are keeping our country safe. They’ve earned maximum stimulation, free of charge. And that’s why all single service members should be issued a lifetime Platinum Pornhub membership. It’s only $9.99 a month. With $30 billion at our disposal, it is the least we, the American taxpayers, can do.
Imagine this: You’re a soldier and you’re hungry. You go to the chow hall and … meat loaf again? Booooooring. So how about we spice things up a little — like, literally spice things up with authentic Mexican tacos, every Tuesday. Personally, I’m a big fan of carne guisada, so those would definitely have to be on the menu. But there could be something for everyone: chicken, steak, pork, fish — hell, even shrimp. To liven up the spread, I’d also suggest including a salsa bar with at least 10 different types of delicious homemade salsas and fresh guacamoles. Oh, and, speaking of salsa, a live mariachi band should also be present so after dessert (flan, of course) everyone can salsa dance.
A 50-Foot Statue Of Mattis In Downtown Kabul
It’s been more than 15 years since we toppled the Taliban regime and won the invasion of Afghanistan, but looking around the streets of Kabul you wouldn’t guess it. That is why, without further delay, we must erect a 50-foot statue of James “I Go By Jim” Mattis in downtown Kabul. Obviously, he should be riding something — a white steed, perhaps. Or better yet: a tiger. He should be shirtless and wielding a battleaxe, a symbol of the mighty military he commands. This will do two things: One, look awesome. And two, let our enemies know that we WILL FUCKING DESTROY THEM.
Walking is a pain of the ass and when you’re in the military you have to do a lot of it. There’s an easy and relatively cheap solution for this: military-issued tactical rollerblades. Not only do ’blades keep your leg muscles in tip-top shape, but they also allow a soldier to move swiftly and silently, like the wind. And there’s also an obvious battlefield application here. Think about it. Instead of running, which strains the knees and jostles the bowels, soldiers can glide across the battlefield, maintaining steady aim with their rifles as they descend upon their foes. Hemingway once said that courage is “grace under fire,” and there’s nothing more graceful than a platoon of infantrymen rollerblading into battle.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Known for acting on impulse, President Donald Trump has adopted an uncharacteristically go-slow approach to whether to hold Iran responsible for attacks on Saudi oil facilities, showing little enthusiasm for confrontation as he seeks re-election next year.
After state-owned Saudi Aramco's plants were struck on Saturday, Trump didn't wait long to fire off a tweet that the United States was "locked and loaded" to respond, and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo blamed Iran.
But four days later, Trump has no timetable for action. Instead, he wants to wait and see the results of investigations into what happened and is sending Pompeo to consult counterparts in Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates this week.
That sound you're hearing is Army senior leaders exhaling a sigh of relief, because the Army has surpassed its recruiting goal for the year.
After failing to meet recruiting goals in 2018, the Army put the pedal to the metal and "did some soul searching," said Acting Army Secretary Ryan McCarthy, to ensure that they'd meet their 2019 goal. It must have paid off — the service announced on Tuesday that more than 68,000 recruits have signed on as active-duty soldiers, and more soldiers have stuck around than they expected.
Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein transformed into the Cigarette Smoking Man from "The X-Files" on Tuesday when explaining why UFO enthusiasts should avoid storming the mythical Area 51 installation in Nevada.
"All joking aside, we're taking it very seriously," Goldfein told reporters during the Air Force Association's annual Air, Space, and Cyber Conference. "Our nation has secrets, and those secrets deserve to be protected. The people deserve to have our nation's secrets protected."
SAN DIEGO — A San Diego-based Navy SEAL acquitted of murder in a closely watched war crimes trial this summer has filed a lawsuit against two of his former attorneys and a military legal defense nonprofit, according to a complaint filed in federal court in Texas on Friday.
NATIONAL HARBOR, Maryland — The Air Force is reviewing whether some airmen's valor awards deserve to be upgraded to the Medal of Honor, Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein said on Tuesday.
Goldfein revealed that several airmen are being considered for the nation's highest military award during a press conference at the Air Force Association's annual Air, Space, and Cyber Conference. He declined to say exactly who could receive the Medal of Honor, pending the outcome of the review process.