The Air Force is on guard against potential Area 51 intruders like this hero in custom Boba Fett armor and his love of 'clapping alien asscheeks'

Mandatory Fun

"What truly matters is getting to Area 51, busting through their shit, and clapping some alien ass cheeks"

(WIkimedia Commons/Twitter/Task & Purpose)

More than half a million people say they plan on storming the gates of Area 51 in September — and the Air Force is not impressed.

In response to the massively popular viral (and explicitly unserious) Facebook event "Storm Area 51, They Can't Stop All of Us," the Air Force has issued an official warning to please, for the love of God, don't storm Area 51.


"[Area 51] is an open training range for the U.S. Air Force, and we would discourage anyone from trying to come into the area where we train American armed forces," Air Force spokeswoman Laura McAndrews told the Washington Post on Friday. "The U.S. Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets."

The Air Force always stands ready to protect America and its assets is fine PAO-speak, but in an era of Facebook-fueled nutjobs, such a statement is the Pavlovian equivalent of come at me, bro.

And while Air Force security forces likely are likely worried about other virgin-related security risks, there are certainly a few joke threats worth keeping a watchful eye out for — namely, this would-be intruder with some sick combo Darth Maul-Boba Fett armor:

"Storming Area 51? Now that's a real cause," our armored hero said in a spectacular address to the nation last week. "That's where all us humans should be coming together. Let's put aside our our differences. Black, white, gay, straight, politics; none of that shit matters."

"What truly matters is getting to Area 51, busting through their shit, and clapping some alien ass cheeks," the modern-day Uncle Sam concluded. "That's what I stand for, and that's what I want you to stand for."

Reminder: the warning signs surrounding Area 51 explicitly state that "use of deadly force is authorized." Let's hope this booty-hungry insurgent's armor is better than the original Boba Fett for, uh, obvious reasons:

A U.S. Soldier assigned to 10th Special Forces Group (Airborne) runs for cover during a live fire exercise at the 7th Army Training Command, Grafenwoehr Training Area, Germany. (U.S. Army/Gertrud Zach)

A memo circulating over the weekend warning of a "possible imminent attack" against U.S. soldiers in Germany was investigated by Army officials, who found there to not be a serious threat after all.

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Acting Navy Secretary Thomas Modly is expected to announce the naming of CVN-81 during a ceremony on Monday in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, according to USNI. Two of Miller's nieces are expected to be there, according to the Star-Advertiser.

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Comedian Jon Stewart has joined forces with veterans groups to make sure service members who have been sickened by toxins from burn pits get the medical care they need, according to the Military Officers Association of America.

"Quite frankly, this is not just about burn pits — it's about the way we go to war as a country," Stewart said during his Jan. 17 visit to Washington, D.C. "We always have money to make war. We need to always have money to take care of what happens to people who are selfless enough, patriotic enough, to wage those wars on our behalf."

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A demonstrator stands outside a security zone before a pro-gun rally, Monday, Jan. 20, 2020, in Richmond, Va. Thousands of pro-gun supporters are expected at the rally to oppose gun control legislation like universal background checks that are being pushed by the newly elected Democratic legislature. (Associated Press/Julio Cortez)

Editor's Note: The following is an op-ed. The opinions expressed are those of the author, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Task & Purpose.

Editor's Note: A version of this article originally appeared on the blog of Angry Staff Officer

This morning, the Virginia state capitol in Richmond saw dozens of armed men gathering to demonstrate their support for the Second Amendment of the United States Constitution – the right to bear arms. These men were not merely bearing arms, however; they were fully accoutered in the trappings of what one would call a paramilitary group: helmets, vests, ammunition pouches, camouflage clothing, and other "tactical" necessities, the majority of which are neither tactical nor necessary. Their weapons, too, are bedecked with all sorts of accessories, and are also in the paramilitary lane. Rather than carry rifles or shotguns that one would use for hunting, they instead carry semi-automatic "military grade" weapons, to merely prove that they can.

This is not an uncommon sight in America. Nor has it ever been. Armed groups of angry men have a long and uncomfortable history in the United States. On very rare occasions, these irregulars have done some good against corrupt, power-hungry, and abusive county governments. For the most part, however, they bode no good.

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(U.S. Marine Corps)

How We Found Out explores recent reporting from Task & Purpose, answering questions about how we sourced our stories, what challenges we faced, and offers a behind-the-scenes look at how we cover issues impacting the military and veterans community.

Following a string of news reports on private Facebook group called Marines United, where current and former Marines shared nude photos of their fellow service members, the Corps launched an internal investigation to determine if the incident was indicative of a larger problem facing the military's smallest branch.

In December 2019, Task & Purpose published a feature story written by our editor in chief, Paul Szoldra, which drew from the internal review. In the article, Szoldra detailed the findings of that investigation, which included first-hand accounts from male and female Marines.

Task & Purpose spoke with Szoldra to discuss how he got his hands on the investigation, how he made sense of the more than 100 pages of anecdotes and personal testimony, and asked what, if anything, the Marine Corps may do to correct the problem.

This is the fourth installment in the recurring column How We Found Out.

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