In addition to round-the-clock drinking, barbecuing, and restaurant-hopping in search of free and cheap eats, holiday weekends also mean last-minute safety briefs. A tradition all its own, a safety brief is a three- to five-minute preemptive ass-chewing, where an exhausted-looking platoon commander or sergeant begs his troops not to act like savages over the long weekend: “Don’t drink and drive, don’t drink and surf, don’t drink and skydive — if you do skydive, bring a parachute. If you do get too drunk, call (number of the poor schmuck on duty). If you see me at the bar, don’t talk to me. I hate you all.”