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A definitive ranking of the best war movie beards
The only thing Hollywood might love more than a good-looking man named Chris — heavy emphasis on might — is a war film. And in recent years, a primary constant in contemporary war films has been facial hair.
The appearance of facial hair in war movies has shifted with the standards; when beards were allowed in the military, they were shown in movies portraying the time, which explains why you don't see a whole lot more than stubble in WWII movies.
Now, facial hair is mostly banned throughout much of the armed services (though some service members have received religious exemptions). But in the post-9/11 era, movies highlighting special operators have become the norm, hence making operator beards the norm. Special operators have had more relaxed standards as they deploy to areas of the world where a man's facial hair can hold a different kind of significance.
The good, the bad, and the ugly have all made an appearance on the silver screen. To help you keep it all straight, here is a definitive, completely unscientific yet totally correct ranking of the best war movie beards.
Any complaints will be forwarded straight to the trash. This ranking is definitive, as the title suggests.
8. Taylor Kitsch — Lone Survivor
Taylor Kitsch as TK, Lone Survivor (2013).
If I saw this beard on the street, I'd think "eh."
This beard is acceptable. I'm not mad at it — it gets the job done — but compared to its competitors it's not show-stopping. I won't pretend to be unbiased here as I will always see Kitsch as Friday Night Lights' lovable, well-meaning screw-up Tim Riggins, so take that as you will. But this beard is worth a quick highlight.
7. Chris Pratt — Zero Dark Thirty
Chris Pratt as TK, Zero Dark Thirty (2012).
Hollywood Nirvana — a war film and a Chris.
Pratt's beard ain't pretty, but then again it's not meant to be. It works with the rest of his aesthetic seamlessly, and for that reason it ranks in at #7.
6. Joel Edgerton — Zero Dark Thirty
Joel Edgerton as Patrick, Zero Dark Thirty (2012).
Like John Krasinski a couple spots down, Edgerton's beard just physically looks great. It's that simple. This is the Kraft mac & cheese of operator beards — a classic.
5. Bradley Cooper — American Sniper
Bradley Cooper as Chris Kyle, in American Sniper (2014).
What I like about Cooper's beard is its haphazardness. It's not quite as full as Krasinski's and Edgerton's, but it very effectively says "Do not, under any circumstances, fuck with me." He doesn't have time to groom — he's busy, get off his back.
4. John Krasinski — 13 Hours
John Krasinski as Jack Silva, in 13 Hours (2016).
It pained me not to rank my man John Krasinski as number one, as I believe he is the best we as a country have to offer. That aside, this is a solid, full beard — not King Leonidas-status, but more than respectable.
John, if you're reading this, forgive me.
3. Donald Sutherland — Kelly's Heroes
Donald Sutherland as Sgt. Oddball in Kelly's Heroes (1970).
Look at this guy. That beard is coming in at #3 and I won't hear a word about it.
2. Gerard Butler — 300
Gerard Butler in 300 (2006).
Were it not for the aforementioned lads, Gerard Butler as King Leonidas would have taken the cake.
Leonidas and this beard are one — try for a moment to imagine the iconic "this is Sparta" scene without that beard. Exactly, you can't, because kicking a Persian messenger who has really pissed you the fuck off down a well can't be done with some half-assed attempt at facial hair.
1. Martin Sheen, Patrick Gorman, Tom Berenger — Gettysburg
Martin Sheen as Gen. Robert E. Lee (top left), Patrick Gorman as Maj. Gen. John Bell Hood (bottom left), Tom Berenger as Lt. Gen. James Longstreet (right); Gettysburg (1993).
Kneel, mere mortals, before the ultimate war-film beards.
Others may try to compete, but they will fail miserably when confronted by Martin Sheen (top left), Tom Berenger (right), and Patrick Gorman (bottom left). I could have ranked them all individually, but it seemed more than appropriate to tie them all for first place.
Honorable Mention: Jeff Daniels — Gettysburg
Jeff Daniels as Col. Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain, Gettysburg (1993).
I mean, give me a break. There's no way this unbelievable mustache wasn't getting mentioned.
Honorable Mention: Tom Skerritt — Top Gun
Tom Skerritt as Viper, Top Gun (1986).
By popular demand, Viper is also receiving an honorable mention, because what an icon.
A Marine wanted for killing his mother's boyfriend reportedly escaped police by hiding inside an RV they'd spent hours searching before towing it to a parking lot, where he escaped under the cover of darkness.
It wasn't until more than two weeks later authorities finally caught up to Michael Brown at his mom's home, which was the scene of the crime.
Brown stuffed himself into a tight spot in his camper during an hours-long search of the vehicle on Nov. 10, according to NBC affiliate WSLS in Virginia. A day earlier, cops said Brown fatally shot his mother's boyfriend, Rodney Brown. The AWOL Marine remained on the lam until Nov. 27, where he was finally apprehended without incident.
No motive is yet known for last week's Pearl Harbor Naval Shipyard shooting tragedy, which appears to have been a random act of violence in which the sailor who fatally shot two civilian workers and himself did not know them and did not plan his actions ahead of time, shipyard commander Capt. Greg Burton said in an "All Hands" message sent out Friday.
Machinist's Mate Auxiliary Fireman Gabriel Antonio Romero of San Antonio, an armed watch-stander on the attack submarine USS Columbia, shot three civilian workers Dec. 4 and then turned a gun on himself while the sub rested in dry dock 2 for a major overhaul, the Navy said.
"The investigation continues, but there is currently no known motive and no information to indicate the sailor knew any of the victims," Burton said.
SEOUL (Reuters) - North Korea said it had successfully conducted another test at a satellite launch site, the latest in a string of developments aimed at "restraining and overpowering the nuclear threat of the U.S.", state news agency KCNA reported on Saturday.
The test was conducted on Friday at the Sohae satellite launch site, KCNA said, citing a spokesman for North Korea's Academy of Defence Science, without specifying what sort of testing occurred.
Since the Washington Post first published the "Afghanistan papers," I have been reminded of a scene from "Apocalypse Now Redux" in which Army Col. Walter Kurtz reads to the soldier assigned to kill him two Time magazine articles showing how the American people had been lied to about Vietnam by both the Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon administrations.
In one of the articles, a British counterinsurgency expert tells Nixon that "things felt much better and smelled much better" during his visit to Vietnam.
"How do they smell to you, soldier?" Kurtz asks.
WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Erik Prince, the controversial private security executive and prominent supporter of U.S. President Donald Trump, made a secret visit to Venezuela last month and met Vice President Delcy Rodriguez, one of socialist leader Nicolas Maduro's closest and most outspoken allies, according to five sources familiar with the matter.