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17 Essential Pieces Of Gear For Your War On Christmas
With Thanksgiving finally over, the sleepy sleeping masses are bracing themselves for the ultimate struggle for the soul of America: the annual War on Christmas.
Efforts to ban Christmas have real historical roots in the Massachusetts colony with Puritans banning the celebration in 1659; but in the centuries since, philosophical questions of church and state have evolved into an embarrassing national tradition triggered by the freakout over the non-existent decline of Christianity in our constitutionally secular democracy. During World War I, British and German soldiers spontaneously ended hostilities on Christmas Day 1914, leaving their trenches to join together in No Man’s Land to bury the dead, exchange gifts, and engage in a now-legendary game of soccer. Today, Real Patriots™ take a stand against the century-old effort by international Jewry to sterilize Christmas by throwing a shit-fit over veteran-friendly Starbucks’ seasonal coffee cups. We’re sure this is exactly what my homeboy Jesus would have wanted.
But if you must prepare yourself for an annual exercise in asymmetric culture war that even the Pope has deemed “a charade,” we recommend you do so by engaging in a real all-American tradition: a crazed journey through the funhouse of late capitalism born from the Protestant Puritan work ethic that this country was built on. With this in mind, Task & Purpose is here with 17 essential pieces of gear (and fantastic gifts) that will make even Sebastian Gorka look like a hobo:
A Mossberg shotgun in a tube
Photo via Mossberg
The Mossberg 500 12-gauge pump-action, the most effective combat shotgun on the planet, is perfect for those break-glass-in-case-of-secularism moments — especially since the tube itself also includes matches, duct tape, fishing hook and line, razor blade, signal mirror, fire-starter cube, and more, sealed up in a water and impact-resistant survival kit. Never be caught unawares against the forces of your own paranoia again. [Oh hell yeah, tell me more]
A “Die Hard” sweatshirt for fun and intimidation
Photo via Amazon
Adorned with a glorious one-liner from the only good Christmas movie after Lethal Weapon, this piece of apparel sends three distinct messages: 1) warmth! 2) laughs! 3) don’t fucking fuck with me, you fuck!
Believe it or not, it’s not completely illegal to own a machine gun in the United States, depending on the weapon and your own personal legal status. We recommend packaging this sweatshirt with some instructions on how to legally pick up some full-auto action in your state. [Yippie Ki-yay, motherfucker!]
A chainsaw bayonet
Kentucky-based firearms company Doublestar's Zombie X Chainsaw Rail Attachment at Shot Show 2012Photo via ArmoryBlog.com
A Squatty Potty
Let's be real: Nobody looks this happy when they're taking a dump.Photo via Squatty Potty
As any veteran of Afghanistan or Iraq will tell you, an active war zone is no excuse for not shitting the right way. Luckily, Squatty Potty’s handy footstool is perfect for helping you boot your own stool from the poorly designed comfort of your porcelain throne. [Holy shit!]
A personal keg
Photo via ManCan/Instagram
Facing down atheists and AntiFa is thirsty work, so why not lug around a gallon of beer in your own personal ManCan keg? Nothing says “I love Jesus Christ” like blowing a .389 while yelling at neighborhood kids to get off your lawn. [Cheers!]
An insanely durable flask
The Macallan X Urwerk Whiskey FlaskPhoto by Macallan
Just in case you’re not a beer man, the Macallan X Urwerk Whiskey Flask offers an extra level of protection for that sweet, essential booze with several layers of titanium, aluminum, and stainless steel. [Bottoms up!]
A smokeable multitool
The High Knife in action.Photo via High Knife NYC
A Timex wristwatch
What time is it? Looks like Freedom O'clockPhoto via Timex Amazon
Yes, everyone and their mother has a Timex, as former 1st Special Forces Group NCO Blake Miles told us in February. They’re great for bartering and building trust with local forces, “a magical rapport builder” when meeting new officials in Iraq or Afghanistan.
Good advice, but let’s be real: When liberating those godless strongholds on the East Coast, eggnog or sugar cookies might prove a less expensive taste of freedom. [Daddy likey!]
A tactical kilt
A DxO ONE mini camera
Photo via DxO
Sure, it looks like an expensive doohickey that’s no substitute for your built-in phone camera, but it’s the perfect camera attachment for the would-be videographer in your life — or just that one guy who has to film his angry rants about the War on Christmas in his car’s driver’s seat because his wife keeps yelling at him for making such a racket. [Make me a star!]
Cut-resistant Kevlar sleeves
Photo by Yosoo/Amazon
Take it from me, a Jew: We bite — and if we don’t like what we taste, we’ll just complain and send it back. [Want!]
An ultra-effective personal internet hub
The Skyroam SolisPhoto via Skyroam
The Skyroam Solis doesn’t work everywhere — you can’t stream The Punisher from Nangarhar, for example — but it’s perfect for the culture warrior whose campaign against godlessness takes them around the world. After all, posting shitty memes and tweeting at Hillary Clinton isn’t just an American pastime. [The shitposter has logged on!]
A three Mattis moon tank
Photo via AAF Nation
A wicked spiral knife
Photo by United Cutlery
United Cutlery’s M48 Cyclone Fixed Blade isn’t just an exotic piece of intimidating weaponry — it’s the perfect everyday-carry blade for when your next engagement against the forces of evil requires defecation before evisceration. [You call that a knife?]
A Make America Great Again hat
Photo via Trump Store
The only thing redder and more #Murica than a God Emperor Trump cover is a Santa hat. After all, what screams “late capitalism” more than an army of elven slaves churning out disposable consumer goods for the landed bourgeoisie? Just kidding: Gifts are welfare and welfare is socialism. [I like hats!]
A pocket Constitution
Photo via ACLU
Sebastian Gorka carries one, according to his recent profile in Recoil Magazine: “I never go anywhere without my copy of the Constitution, the owner’s manual to the greatest nation on God’s earth.”
A Starbucks gift card
Photo via Starbucks
VISTA —An Iraq war veteran who said he killed a stranger in Oceanside at the behest of a secret agency that controlled his brain was sentenced Tuesday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
The sentence for Mikhail Schmidt comes less than a month after a Superior Court jury in North County found Schmidt guilty of first-degree murder of Jacob Bravo, a stranger that Schmidt spotted, followed and stabbed to death on March 8, 2017.
CLEVELAND, Ohio -- A Strongsville woman convicted of fleecing an ailing Korean War veteran out of much of his life savings was sentenced Tuesday to three years in prison.
Latasha Wisniewski, 38, feigned a sexual interest in Charles Bauer in late 2017 by taking the 88-year-old widower to a plastic surgeon's office and asking him to pay for breast implants. She then withdrew more than $140,000 from Bauer's accounts over the following months, according to court records.
Mark Mitchell is stepping down as the acting assistant defense secretary for special operations and low-intensity conflict, a position he has held since late June, a defense official confirmed on Tuesday.
No information was immediately available about why Mitchell decided to resign. His last day will be Nov. 1 and he will be replaced by Thomas Alexander, who is currently leading the Defense Department's counternarcotics efforts, the defense official told Task & Purpose.
The U.S. Military Academy identified a cadet who has been missing since Friday evening as 20-year-old Kade Kurita.
A search began for Kurita after he failed to report for a scheduled military skills competition around 5:30pm on Friday. West Point officials said in the Tuesday press release that he is believed to still be nearby.