When Should You Wear Camouflage In The Office? An Investigation

Humor
Photo via DoD

The wonderful thing about the U.S. military is that it’s everywhere, and not just in terms of global deployment. The armed forces have saturated popular culture for decades, from our favorite TV shows and movies to the latest video games, and that’s never been truer for the post-9/11 generation which came of age amid twin wars abroad. 


But sometimes, civilians take things way too far, as with this ridiculous Bloomberg story about when it’s appropriate to wear camouflage in the office. First of all, this isn’t camouflage — this is an invitation to get your ass beat:

No. Just ... no.Photo via Vendors/Bloomberg

But more importantly, camouflage was invented to serve a purpose, not just to make you look cool. But if you insist on using camo to stand out rather than blend in, then to hell with the latest looks from Jane Carr and Ryan Seacrest Distinction (which, lol). we’ll tell you exactly when and where it’s appropriate to rock some sweet patterns.

Your office is downtown Mosul

But please, don’t forget to swap your fatigues for desert camo or a badass all-black uniform. Unless you’re Mattis, in which case, where whatever the fuck you want, including a backward flak jacket:

Photo via DoD

You have a meeting at 4, but have to kill ISIS at 6

No time for khakis, chief — I'm in the fucking zone:

U.S. Navy Sea-Air-Land (SEAL) members emerge from the water during tactical warfare training. The SEAL member in the foreground is armed with an M-16A1 rifle equipped with an M203 grenade launcher. The SEAL member on the right is armed with an HK-33KA1 rifle.Photo via DoD/Wikimedia Commons

You're flying coach, but dreaming of first class

A surprise upgrade is the best way to make a business trip more casual. But fair warning: All those found guilty of stolen valor will be beaten.

Photo via Fox News

You're in the duck blind

To be fair, middle managers truly are the most dangerous game.

Soon ...Photo via Wikimedia Commons

You're at your ex-girlfriend’s wedding

Yeah, a wedding is not an office, but making your would-be in-laws shit themselves by showing up (uninvited, we presume) in full combat gear counts as work.

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You're, uh, on set

When you're a Navy SEAL who moonlights as a porn star. Or you’re starring in a military-themed porno. Or both.

Navy Chief Special Warfare Officer Joseph John Schmidt IIIPhoto via Twitter/New York Post

You’re Jared Kushner:

Anything but this again:

Photo via DoD

Every once in a while, we run across a photo in The Times-Picayune archives that's so striking that it begs a simple question: "What in the name of Momus Alexander Morgus is going on in this New Orleans photograph?" When we do, we've decided, we're going to share it — and to attempt to answer that question.

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Members of the Syrian Democratic Forces control the monitor of their drone at their advanced position, during the fighting with Islamic State's fighters in Nazlat Shahada, a district of Raqqa. (Reuters/Zohra Bensemra)

MUSCAT (Reuters) - The United States should keep arming and aiding the Kurdish-led Syrian Democratic Forces (SDF) following the planned U.S. withdrawal from Syria, provided the group keeps up the pressure on Islamic State, a senior U.S. general told Reuters on Friday.

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President Donald Trump claims the $6.1 billion from the Defense Department's budget that he will now spend on his border wall was not going to be used for anything "important."

Trump announced on Friday that he was declaring a national emergency, allowing him to tap into military funding to help pay for barriers along the U.S.-Mexico border.

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Long before Tony Stark took a load of shrapnel to the chest in a distant war zone, science fiction legend Robert Heinlein gave America the most visceral description of powered armor for the warfighter of the future. Forget the spines of extra-lethal weaponry, the heads-up display, and even the augmented strength of an Iron Man suit — the real genius, Heinlein wrote in Starship Troopers, "is that you don't have to control the suit; you just wear it, like your clothes, like skin."

"Any sort of ship you have to learn to pilot; it takes a long time, a new full set of reflexes, a different and artificial way of thinking," explains Johnny Rico. "Spaceships are for acrobats who are also mathematicians. But a suit, you just wear."

First introduced in 2013, U.S. Special Operations Command's Tactical Assault Light Operator Suit (TALOS) purported to offer this capability as America's first stab at militarized powered armor. And while SOCOM initially promised a veritable Iron Man-style tactical armor by 2018, a Navy spokesman told Task & Purpose the much-hyped exoskeleton will likely never get off the launch pad.

"The prototype itself is not currently suitable for operation in a close combat environment," SOCOM spokesman Navy Lt. Phillip Chitty told Task & Purpose, adding that JATF-TALOS has no plans for an external demonstration this year. "There is still no intent to field the TALOS Mk 5 combat suit prototype."

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D-Day veteran James McCue died a hero. About 500 strangers made sure of it.

"It's beautiful," Army Sgt. Pete Rooney said of the crowd that gathered in the cold and stood on the snow Thursday during McCue's burial. "I wish it happened for every veteran's funeral."

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