Across America, civilians, service members, and government officials are generally pleased knowing that retired Marine Corps Gen. James Mattis is running the Defense Department with stabby proficiency. In fact, he’s so efficient that The Business Journals believe most corporate executives could learn a thing or two about holding meetings from him — namely, that most office assemblies are largely pointless, but can be productive if you’re a Mattis.
We agree, but thought we’d take the advice a step further and offer suggestions for how to run your entire office like Mattis. Get you some mad-dog office mojo and tear those TPS reports a new one with these handy tips:
1. Never ever ever use PowerPoint. As Mattis once said, “PowerPoint makes us stupid.”
Uh, yeah. You’re fired.
2. The coffee machine breaks often. Knifehand it. Knifehand the broken copier, too.
French press? I think you mean “Freedom press.”
3. All requests for time off must be routed through Marine Todd in HR.
He’s not as bad as he sounds, we swear. No sudden movements, though.
4. When the delivery guy brings a package, you can be polite and professional in greeting him, but you definitely need to have a plan to kill him. And everyone else.
Did anybody vet this “halal” guy? PRESENT… KNIFEHANDS.
5. Don’t bother HR if you have a conflict with a coworker. There are no disagreements that can't be quickly settled with three MCMAP moves.
That’ll teach Bob in IT to take your yogurt from the break-room fridge.
6. Make sure everyone you manage is on time. And remember that to be on time is to be late. Always set meeting times 15 minutes prior to 15 minutes prior to when any call, event, or presentation starts.
“I’m sorry, sir, I thought five minutes early was plenty. Ow”
7. Lastly, embrace the suck. You’re going to be in the shit (this office) until you’re 67 years old and start collecting Social Security. Unless, of course, you get knifehanded by Marine Todd for forgetting to put in a request for that week you sipped fruity drinks on a beach in Boca Raton. Sorry, Marine Todd!
If Marine Todd isn’t available, you can always get career counseling from Col. Stars and Stripes