You went home for holiday block leave and slept in every day, ate like you’ve never heard of height and weight standards, and — so far — stayed out of trouble. But now that New Year’s Eve is here, you know your return to base and 0500 wake-ups are right around the corner. So maybe you’re thinking about one last hurrah, and maybe ringing in the new year gets a bit rowdy. We know, because we’ve been there too, so here’s your New Year’s Eve safety brief.
Attention, everyone from the new guys and gals fresh out of basic training to the E-4 mafia that’s close to getting out, and every junior enlisted soldier, sailor, airman, and Marine. Especially the Marines. Tonight is not the night to add to the population, nor should you subtract from it. Please, for the love of everything holy, stay out of the hospital. Stay out of your local newspaper (if those still exist) and next week’s Task & Purpose headlines. Stay out of jail, which includes both getting arrested and trying to break your friends out, because loyalty … or something. Either way, if you do end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.
Also, avoid emerging near-peer threats. Specifically, Dorito-flavored booze — possibly the greatest threat to the junior enlisted since the emergence of Jager bombs.
What? Is there actually such a thing? Or is this another battlefield rumor like foreign fighters on the objective or getting released before 1700 on a Friday? Unlike the evidence used to justify Operation Iraqi Freedom, this is 100% true. Doritos and Empirical collaborated on a limited edition spirit called Empirical x Doritos Nacho Cheese Vacuum Distilled Spirit. Now, this warning is not meant to take a shot at Doritos or Empirical; their novel spirit is probably delicious, but we know a threat to good order and discipline when we see it. Conversely, this isn’t some sneaky paid advertisement for the product (besides, it’s currently sold out). We’re just looking out for you, Battle.
This cheese-inspired spirit is 42% alcohol and, allegedly, nothing but Doritos nacho cheese in booze form. It’s $65 per bottle, which should deter you because you’re a financially responsible man or woman in uniform, right?
Yes, Bloody Marys are amazing, but stop thinking about how much better they could be if infused with the essence of Dorito’s nacho cheese flavor.
But, remember, nacho cheese isn’t always your friend. Remember that time you picked up a plastic tray of very questionable nachos from that seedy gas station, the only one that was open and close to base while you were working a 24-hour staff duty shift? Remember how that turned out? Pretty fucking no bueno, right?
But this is different, it’s alcohol, you might be saying to yourself right now. It’s not different, and we’re certain your team leader will not like your excuse for missing first formation after block leave starting off with, “So hear me out: Doritos-flavored shots, last call, and…”
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Ok, now we’re just going to assume that you will take all these warnings as encouragement, so please, should you find yourself losing your grasp on gravity following too much nacho cheese booze — or any adult beverage — don’t drive. DO. NOT. DRIVE. The legal limit is the legal limit, and even if you show off your vintage National Defense Service Medal, you will still get arrested if you blow over the legal limit. Refer to the above rules, specifically “stay out of jail.”
Drinking on an empty stomach is a one-way ticket to blacking out, and that is a slippery slope with a visit to the hospital and then your first sergeant and company commander waiting at the bottom. So, make sure you shove some food down your gullet before you head out tonight.
Also, if your old high school friends are starting to lean with that nacho cheese drip, don’t let them drive either. Be a good battle buddy and get them in an Uber back home. We’re all on Team America here, after all.
Like whiskey, you might find that zesty flavor of the Dorito chip booze getting you all fired up and ready to test your basic training combatives skills on the local shit-talker. If you find yourself turning red in the face, do not engage. It’s not worth it. Should you make contact with the enemy, through no fault of your own, do your best to break contact, evade, and escape. There’s always a bigger fish in the sea.
If all else fails, just remember: Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counteraccusations.
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