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Assuming she hasn’t disowned you yet, your mom probably recognizes that you’re her child and perhaps even expresses some semblance of pride in your accomplishments, so this Mother’s Day, celebrate and honor the sacrifices she made so you could exist. However, if you’re reading this article just a couple of days before Mother’s Day, it means you’re a piece of shit – probably mistaken for a child during birth – who doesn’t know how to appreciate your mom. But no matter what kind of lowlife you are, we’re here to help. 

A recent survey found that your mom’s standards are so low that all she really wants is rest and relaxation. While she will settle on flowers, a card, and a little bit of time to take a nap, she’ll be just as happy to see you clean up after yourself and have someone else cook a meal for a change.  

What that also means is to go above and beyond for Mother’s Day is to buy her a thoughtful gift in addition to a nice breakfast and not having to put up with your bullshit. Hopefully, you know your mom better than we do, but if you don’t, we mapped out some ideas so if you have a passing understanding of her interests, you’ll be able to find a Mother’s Day gift more useful than burdensome.

For the proud military mom

If you joined the military, it’s probably how your mom describes you when she’s forced to talk about you, so help her out when she has to embellish your accomplishments.

A high-quality T-shirt with a design that reveals part of your identity is something most people can appreciate. T-shirt designs are some of the most impactful forms of art that we see daily. Grunt Style makes pride in military, country, and self part of its brand, so if you know these are the values that your mom cherishes, get her the Mom Defined shirt. It’s also available in white.

Who doesn’t love having kitsch, puns, and pride with their coffee? With these mugs, you pay for the design, not the ceramic cup, so if a sombrero is too much cultural appropriation for your taste, you can find other prints of the same comedic value. Of course, you could always go with a standard Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force, or Coast Guard mom mug.

Assuming she wants to look at your face every day, the Allied Frame Portrait Picture Frame is a good way to go. It pairs a 6×4-inch picture beside the emblem of your branch of service. And for the love of God, give her a picture to go with it. While a service picture is ideal, if you don’t have one, pretend you know how to groom yourself and go get one taken.

For the wellness mom

Your mom went through hell to give birth to you. She not only had to endure great pain during childbirth, but she also had to sacrifice things during pregnancy. She probably even quit drinking and smoking long enough for your brain to develop basic functions.

Empirical evidence suggests that most moms get very little time to care for themselves, so if you can’t dish out the funds for a spa day, maybe the next best thing is a facial mask collection. In some ways, a sample pack is better because it gives your mom time to find what she really likes. Then, once she’s tried all of them, in the not too distant future, stop thinking about yourself and solicit feedback to find out which one she preferred.

You may not care if your knuckles crack in the cold or they feel dry and ashy, but your dear mom does. Dry skin can be unpleasant, but good-quality hand cream is a good way to prevent it. In addition to hand care, Burt’s Bees also offers feet, lip, and body care products.

Whether she wears it when she gets out of bed or it’s something she throws on after a shower, a nice robe is a small luxury you should want her to have. The UGG Women’s Blanche Ii Robe comes highly recommended.

UGGs are ugly, but they’re comfortable and that’s why they’re popular. Don’t make your mom go through the rigmarole of finding a pair of socks right after she gets out of bed or suffer the cold floor. Plus, they complement the robe.

The theme of this self-help book is to help your mom reset and get back to zero. It’s unfortunate she needs a book for that because of the burden you put on her, but here we are. In fact, why don’t you buy two copies, so you can read it and then exercise some goddamn empathy.

For the athletic mom

The only thing I know about you is that you haven’t gotten anything for her or the woman who birthed your children, but I’m trusting you to know how she likes to work out.

You might be wondering what makes a hat great for women, which is absurd given that you waited until the last minute to buy her something. Nonetheless, the Trailheads Race Day Performance Hat topped our list for the best running hat for women because it’s designed to keep long hair off of your neck and look great doing it.

These aren’t just great running shorts designed to fit most body types, come in a bunch of colors, and hold a cell phone, they’re also affordable. You might think that’s a plus for you, but the idea is to put them on your mom’s radar, so if she wants another pair, she can buy them herself.

If you’re in a pinch – which I know you are – your instinct is to panic, overcorrect and buy an expensive watch or something, but a good quality pair of running socks is something any athlete can appreciate, especially your mom. The Smartwool PhD uses materials that balance stretch and compression while keeping you dry during a run.

Most running shoes are designed to support specific foot shapes and body movements, but Brooks makes an overall good running shoe. And the Levitate 4 is especially supportive for those with tight hips and sore knees. This should go without saying, but childbirth caused life-altering changes to your mom’s lower half. But if your mom has something against Brooks, check out what else made our list for best women’s running shoes.

If your mom is really into CrossFit or serves in the military herself, the MiR Women’s Weighted Vest is a great pick to supplement her workouts. Unlike most weighted workout vests, which are primarily designed for men, this one is designed to fit a woman’s body shape and will allow her to maximize her workout.

Sure, female-designed swim goggles sounds ridiculous, but it’s nice to know that at least someone thought about her ahead of time. These came highly recommended to us by a decorated collegiate swimmer.

For the great outdoors mom

If you’ve given it any thought, you’d realize that nature and motherhood are very spiritual concepts that teach lessons like patience, boundaries, hope, and more. I could go on, but I know it’ll be wasted on you.

This was our top-rated fleece jacket. While you might see it and think that you want the best too, this isn’t your day. It’s Mother’s Day. She actually deserves it.

Patagonia Point Peak Trail Pants – When we tested these in our best hiking pants for women article, they met almost all of our reviewer’s needs because Patagonia listened to what women said they wanted. Maybe you could learn something from them.

Your mom would want a good pair of hiking shorts for the same reason she’d want a good pair of hiking pants. They’re designed for the activity at hand. They’re just shorts.

Hiking shoes usually have a more universal fit than running shoes, which is why a handful of brands pop up so often but it’s also for good reason. The Salomon Sense Ride 4 offer great balance on the trail and the road.

You might be wondering why snow boots are making this list when it isn’t even winter, but we know planning ahead is not in your nature.

For next time…

I would say plan ahead for next year, but I know you won’t, so we’ll have another list ready. But if you take anything away from this list it should be this: be nice to your mom. Don’t wait for her to tell you to do something.