The Task & Purpose guide to gearing up for the most aggressively American Christmas ever

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Santa Claus, portrayed by Tech. Sgt. Mike Morris, 816th Expeditionary Airlift Squadron Loadmaster Flight NCO in charge and native of Charleston, S.C., pushes a pallet of fuel onto a C-17 Globemaster III prior to a mission in southwest Asia on Dec. 23, 2011. (U.S. Air Force photo)

The world is shrinking––sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a way that forces you to sift through everyone else’s bizarre holiday rituals to find the right gift for the freedom-loving American on your Christmas shopping list.

Let’s start with the stepdad we kicked out of the house in 1776. The more I learn about figgy pudding, the less I trust our British counterparts. It’s worse than the great proper bacon dispute of 2012 that almost fractured RC Southwest right down the middle. Spoiler alert: it’s bird suet, not a dessert. The Swedes celebrate Christmas by constructing — any guesses? — a straw goat that stands exactly 42.6 feet high. I don’t get it, but since we celebrate Easter with an egg-delivering rabbit, I can’t be too critical. Lest you think confusing Christmas traditions only exist in Europe, the Japanese decided to go straight for the winner’s circle of Christmas spirit by swarming Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don’t know what to tell you. Chalk it up to killer marketing.

So, while the rest of the world prepares to spout off nonsense like “happy Christmas” instead of “merry Christmas,” we know you’re getting ready to celebrate in a uniquely American (read: correct) way. Here are a few gift ideas that are worth putting your eggnog down for.