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Ah, the War on Christmas, an American tradition as beloved and time-honored baseball, apple pie, and arguing over whether Die Hard is in fact a holiday film.
While the original campaign to ban Christmas traces its roots to the asshole Massachusetts Puritans of the mid-17th century, the modern freakout over the supposed campaign against yuletide cheer has little to do with the contents of the Bible and more over whether we’re forced to greet each other with “happy holidays” or not. Indeed, the War on Christmas isn’t truly a war, but a border skirmish in our broader cultural conflict over whether America is a righteous Christian nation or not, with an insurgency waged over the airwaves from Fox News and its ilk to reinstate Santa at the center of every piddling American holiday tradition. It is, like lukewarm eggnog and itchy sweaters, the most tired, hackneyed, exhausting annual squabble wedged between Thanksgiving dinner table politics and New Year’s Eve over-anticipation. Even Pope Francis thinks the War on Christmas bullshit.
I, for one, demand some sort of ceasefire, at least for a fictional game of soccer in some godforsaken suburban No-Man’s Land somewhere, but in the meantime, Santa better stay strapped. Here is the Task & Purpose guide to staying kitted out this holiday season and defending yourself against hordes of godforsaken heathens on a crazed quest to suck all holiday cheer out of the world. Go forth, and stay vigilant: who knows what lurks behind each snowy vignette this holiday season.
An extremely Army holiday sweatshirt
A Nerf-style M2 machine gun
This skeletal tactical facemask
A personal keg
A reliable flask
This sleek bar set
A tactical stocking
A handy pocket knife
This batshit insane survival kit
A G-Shock, obviously
A Squatty Potty
A woobie
