In just about every alien invasion, zombie, or disaster movie, one group of people inevitably gets screwed: anyone who works in a goddamn office. What’s a white-collar worker to do if, say, a horde of zombies starts working its way up from the first floor to the 16th, growing in size with each level? Or what if your company gets taken over by a twisted bazillionaire who wants to pit employees against each other for sport?
Well, there’s the internet, and on it are videos, and in those videos are unsettlingly detailed instructions for how to turn just about everything in your office into a deadly weapon.
Related: How To Survive If A Nuke Goes Off In Your Town »
Thanks to a terrifyingly informative video by Tim Kennedy and the Chive, and a video explainer on how to make a gun with a D-size battery by the YouTube channel MrGear, we’ve identified five homemade weapons and defenses that’ll keep you alive if all hell breaks out in your office.
1. Pepper spray, literally.
Head to the kitchen/break room, where you shouldn’t have much trouble finding the following: hot sauce, cayenne pepper, and alcohol — if it’s not there, check the first-aid station or your boss’s desk drawer. Mix the contents in a water bottle with a spray nozzle, liberally adding hot sauce and cayenne pepper (or whatever else you can find that’s sure to sting the eyes), shake thoroughly, and ta-da, you’re all set to ruin someone’s day.
2. A homemade flame-thrower.
As any teenager with pyromaniacal tendencies can tell you, this is easy to make, and fun as hell to use. Grab an aerosol can of alcohol-based whatever — Lysol works well — and a lighter. Start spraying, flick that lighter, and go HAM on some fools.
3. Arm armor.
Facing a zombie horde? Just grab some leftover magazines and duct tape. Fold the papers around each arm and tape them in place. If you want to be extra safe, wrap a magazine around each leg, too. Zombies bite hard, sure, but this’ll buy some time to bash the undead off of you and avoid infection. Plus, it gives you reading material for the inevitable boredom that comes with the screeching halt of modern, zombie-free civilization.
4. A paper-cutter machete.
If you work in a normal office — meaning one not run by a doomsday prepper — chances are you don’t have an armory, but you probably have a paper cutter. Now all you need is a screwdriver to disconnect the lever. Grab it by the handle — I hate that I have to clarify this — and start swinging.
Of course, if you’ve ever seen “The Punisher,” you knew this already:
“The Faculty,” too:
5. The pocket pistol.
So, you’ve survived the initial disaster. You’ve got Cosmo and TIME magazines strapped to your legs and arms, a half-empty can of Lysol, a trusty lighter, a bottle of pepper spray, and a machete. Now you need a firearm. Sorta.
Find a safe place to lay low and grab a pack of matches. Then ransack your supply or utility closet for a D-cell battery, a hot-glue gun, a drill, and a graphite pencil. Grab a few pieces of wire, some screws, and duct tape.
Then — you know what? Describing this in words will just leave you more confused. Check out the video by YouTube user MrGear above, and after you’re done gawking in amazement, watch it again for the details.