These Veterans Charities Aren't Real, But Goddammit They Should Be

Mandatory Fun

Do you think there are too many veteran nonprofits with unclear goals and way too much overhead? Think again! What the world really needs is more of those.

Introducing Lamp Shades for Heroes, Tactical Giraffes for Ambitious Marines, Old Coats For Virginia Cavalry Scouts, and probably a few hundred unnecessary veteran nonprofits, all cobbled together with the help of an algorithm and a heavy dose of sarcasm.


These names are just a few of those auto-generated by Everything for Warriors, a gag site that playfully lampoons the flood of 501(c)(3) organizations devoted to military veterans that have emerged in recent years.

As Chad Garland with Stars and Stripes reported yesterday, the site was created by Brian Wilson, who served in Iraq during his six years in the National Guard and now works at Combined Arms, a (very real) nonprofit that connects connects Houston-based veterans with vetted charities in the area.

"There are some 250 places that offer help to veterans in Houston alone," Wilson told Stars and Stripes. "Some have disappeared, some have been investigated for fraud, some have succeeded and some ... are just there not really making an impact."

The site generates its names from hundreds of phrases and nouns and then sprinkles in bits of military jargon, which is how you end up with gems like this:


So, pretty much your standard care package?Everything For Warriors

Which got us thinking? Which of these faux foundations would we actually want? Glad you asked.

Pencils For Lackadaisical Transportation Specialists

Tactical Giraffes For Ambitious Marines

Velcro Wallets For Prudish Heroes

Old Coats For West Virginia Cavalry Scouts

Lamp Shades For Heroes

Shawls For Chronically Late Cavalry Scouts

Birth Control For American Marines

Pickles For Utah C-130 Pilots

Fancy Hats For Wisconsin Yeoman

Flintlock Rifles For Rancid Marines

Lunch Meats For Virginia Public Affairs Officers

Books For Scrawny Enlisted

SEE ALSO: A Sailor Was Apparently Worried About Pissing Hot, So He Allegedly Set Urine Samples On Fire

WATCH NEXT: Jack Mandaville Takes On Plastic Patriots

Editor's Note: This article by Patricia Kime originally appeared on Military.com, a leading source of news for the military and veteran community.

The U.S. Supreme Court has upheld the Defense Department's authority to prosecute retired service members for crimes they commit, even after retirement.

The court on Tuesday chose not to hear the case of a retired Marine who was court-martialed for a sexual assault he committed three months after leaving the service in August 2015. By not accepting the case, Larrabee v. the United States, the court upheld the status quo: that military retirees are subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice.

Read More Show Less
A formation of U.S. Army soldiers with III Corps and Fort Hood honor the American flag as they lower it during the Retreat ceremony March 27, 2014. Retreat is conducted at the end of the day, every day, to honor the flag, which is raised during the Reveille ceremony each morning. All activity on the base stops for the duration of both ceremonies as soldiers pause, face the flag, and salute. (U.S. Army photo by Sgt. Ken Scar, 7th Mobile Public Affairs Detachment) (Photo Credit: Sgt. Ken Scar)

Soldiers and their spouses told Fort Hood brass and housing officials Thursday night about horrific conditions inside on-post housing, ranging from blooms of mold and lead paint to infestations of snakes and cockroaches and dangerously faulty window screens.

Read More Show Less
c1.staticflickr.com

When President Trump spoke of Islamic State last week, he described the group as all but defeated, even in the digital realm.

"For a period of time, they used the internet better than we did. They used the internet brilliantly, but now it's not so brilliant," the president said. "And now the people on the internet that used to look up to them and say how wonderful and brilliant they are are not thinking of them as being so brilliant."

Read More Show Less
Staff Sgt. Stevon A. Booker, a 3rd Infantry Division Soldier who was assigned to Company A, 1st Battalion, 64th Armor Regiment and killed in action in Iraq in 2003, is depicted in a photo illustration alongside the Distinguished Service Cross medal, which he is slated to posthumously receive for his heroic actions during Operation Iraqi Freedom, April 5, 2018, in Pittsburgh, Pa. (U.S. Army)

Editor's Note: This article by Matthew Cox originally appeared onMilitary.com, a leading source of news for the military and veteran community.

The U.S. Army has announced it will upgrade a former 3rd Infantry Division soldier's Silver Star to a Distinguished Service Cross for his bravery during the unit's "Thunder Run" attack on Baghdad, Iraq, in 2003.

Read More Show Less
KCNA

HANOI (Reuters) - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un told the U.S. secretary of state he did not want his children to live with the burden of nuclear weapons, a former CIA officer involved in high-level diplomacy over the North's weapons was quoted as saying on Saturday.

Read More Show Less