Tech & Tactics Tactics

You can actually buy MRE toilet paper, but why the hell would you?

If it was between MRE toilet paper and sandpaper, I’d strongly consider using sandpaper. At least it won’t rip.
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Do you hate yourself? Then boy, do we have a gift for you: The world’s absolute crappiest toilet paper!

That’s right, you can apparently buy a bulk order of the single packs of TP found in Meals Ready-to-Eat, with the added benefit that you don’t actually have to eat an MRE to get it. Though I don’t think anyone ever got to the bottom of a bag of Veggie Omelet and looked at that brown paper-wrapped roll of barely-single-ply butt-wipe and thought “hooray, a prize!”

These easy-to-carry wipes, which are as coarse as desert sand, can be purchased online for $16.50 for a pack of 50 through, which focuses on gear aimed at disaster preparedness and what we can only assume includes doomsday preparation — because doomsday is the only time when a 50-pack of MRE tissue paper is called for.

That said, it’s beyond me why someone wouldn’t just stock their basement (or bunker) with double or even triple-ply TP from a leading brand. The landing page for the product accurately notes that it’s the same kind issued to U.S. troops, though it refers to the wipes as “John Wayne toilet paper,” but I always heard it described as “Oh dear god, why?” paper. These wipes also serve as an uncomfortable reminder that “military grade” does not necessarily mean “high quality.”

Most of the gripes about MRE toilet paper focus on the feel, which is unpleasant. However, that’s second to its utter inability to wipe without tearing, which is kind of a big deal if you intend to use it for its original purposes. That said, the product page does point out that it can have other uses, from serving as a fire starter to a handy packet of wipes, which makes sense considering that the one thing that this TP has going for it is that it comes in tightly wrapped little packets that fit easily in a pocket or glove compartment. Bryan Nelson, the owner of, noted in a review on the website that “I keep several packets under my hood. When it’s time to check the oil, I insert the dipstick into the end of the roll to wipe it, then take the oil measurement. Works great!” So, they’re not entirely useless.

If you happen to have a need for some handy not-so-wet-naps, or are looking for a good gag gift this holiday for that friend or relative who gets way too into prepping for the apocalypse, these might make decent stocking stuffers. Or you could just light them on fire. You know what, light them on fire.

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