In the history of outrageous laws, where there are plenty of really out there ideas, a bill from Texas Democratic Rep. Jessica Farrar may just beat them all.
Called the “Man’s Right To Know Act,” House Bill 4260 would impose a fine for masturbating. We’re not talking about a penalty for jacking it where or when you’re not supposed to, no, this is just plain old beating off that’s under attack.
Farrar’s bill would fine men $100 for masturbating and would require that those seeking a vasectomy, a Viagra prescription, or a colonoscopy receive a booklet with relevant pro-and-con medical information, according to The Texas Tribune. The bill would also allow doctors to invoke their “personal, moralistic, or religious beliefs” in choosing not to perform an elective vasectomy or prescribe Viagra. The bill also calls for “informed consent” for elective vasectomies, colonoscopy procedures and Viagra prescriptions, legalese which means that a man must undergo a “cooling-off” period of 24 hours after a health care consultation before actually obtaining his prescription or procedure.
And just for shits and giggles, the bill requires a rectal exam prior to receiving the Viagra prescription, vasectomy, or colonoscopy. The law also acknowledges that the exam is entirely unnecessary. (Or, in the case of the colonoscopy, redundant.)
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The bill is completely absurd, and that’s kind of the point. For starters, how do you even monitor masturbation patterns, anyway? Will there be a state semen solicitor who checks up on male citizens to ensure they haven’t made any, uh, unsanctioned deposits to the spank bank?
Utterly sarcastic and satirical, the proposal strikes at the heart of what Farrar sees as a major problem with a number of recently passed anti-abortion and women’s health laws. By subjecting men to restrictive and invasive medical guidelines, Farrar says she’s hoping to start a discussion on how much legal control the government should exercise over another person’s body.
“What I would like to see is this make people stop and think,” Farrar told the Tribune. “Maybe my colleagues aren’t capable of that, but the people who voted for them, or the people that didn’t vote at all, I hope that it changes their mind and helps them to decide what the priorities are.”
The bill invokes the argument of “sanctity of life,” a term that’s often associated with anti-abortion legislation. In this case, Farrar uses it to argue that every sperm is sacred, therefore if it’s not used to create a pregnancy, “then it’s a waste … because that semen can be used — and is to be used — for creating more human life,” she said.
So if you’re living in Texas and happen to belong to that growing percentage of porn viewers who choke it compulsively every day, you may want to consider a move. Either that or political activism, which sometimes feels a lot like masturbation.