Woman arrested at CIA headquarters after asking to speak with ‘Agent Penis’

A woman showed up to the CIA headquarters and demanded to speak with “Agent Penis” earlier this week, and perhaps most shocking of all, she is not from Florida.

According to the criminal complaint, 58-year-old Jennifer G. Hernandez arrived at the CIA's visitor center on the afternoon of May 3 and when approached by a security officer, presented her Iowa identification card, asked them to return her North Carolina ID card, and requested “to speak to Agent Penis.”

Yes, that's literally in the criminal complaint. Unfortunately, the CIA doesn't ever comment on its employees so we may never know whether there is in fact an Agent Penis somewhere deep in the bowels of Langley, protecting all of us from danger.

The May 3 encounter was actually one of many, according to the complaint.

On April 22 at around 8:16 p.m., Hernandez allegedly showed up on foot to CIA headquarters and explained to security officers that she was there to see her recruiter. The officers told her she was trespassing and she left a few minutes later.

Then on May 1 at 9:30 p.m., Hernandez showed up in a Lyft and once again said she was there to see her recruiter, the complaint said. And once again, she was told to pound sand. The next day, she showed up in an Uber with the same story, before being cited for trespassing and directed to leave. During this encounter, security officers mistakenly kept her North Carolina ID card.

Which gets us to May 3, when Hernandez demanded her ID back and a chit-chat with Agent Penis.

From the complaint:

After a review of records, I determined that CIA police officers had encountered the defendant on several recent occasions, and had cited her for trespassing on the prior evening. I also learned that in the course of that May 2, 2019 encounter, CIA police had unintentionally retained the defendant's North Carolina identification card, and that the card was in storage elsewhere at CIA Headquarters. Another police officer then retrieved the defendant's North Carolina identification card and provided it to the defendant.

Police officers then directed the defendant to leave the premises and asked how she intended to leave. The defendant stated that she planned to leave by bus, and officers remained with her at the bus stop for several minutes until the next bus arrived. When the bus arrived, the defendant asked the police officers, “do you really think I'm going to leave?”

Officers then warned the defendant that if she did not depart the premises, she would be arrested. The defendant then declined to board the bus and stated that “l am not leaving.” Officers thereupon arrested the defendant for remaining on an Agency installation after being ordered to leave.

Hernandez is currently being held in Alexandria, Va. city jail.

We wish her the best of luck with her CIA employment endeavors.